Life is hard, right now
I keep thinking of death. I have heard that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". What if the problem isn't temporary? What if it has gone on for years and all attempts to fix it are failing? Does suicide then become the right solution?
If someone was suffering from painful and terminal bone cancer and had made the choice to end their life would others consider it "selfish" and "cowardly"? Would they be shamed for causing pain for their family? I doubt it.
Here we have depression. There is no cure. At best it can only be managed. Personally, mine has never even gotten to the "managed" part. Now because of my food issues my body is giving out. I am dying slowly. The only difference is that I have a disease that others think I can control, that there is a cure for, that looks like laziness. I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean and I keep going under the water. I am fighting it and the more I fight the more I get dragged down. I am choking on the water. I remind myself to float and I come back up for a little while. I come back up and I am still alone in the middle of a big ocean, treading water only to eventually get exhausted and go under again. Rinse and repeat.
All this time I believed that my hesitancy to end my own life was because somewhere inside of me there was hope. Today a light bulb went off. It is NOT hope that stops me. It is simple fear. Fear of dying. Many people are afraid of dying. It is the unknown. Now I have an answer. It's not hope. It is fear.
If someone was suffering from painful and terminal bone cancer and had made the choice to end their life would others consider it "selfish" and "cowardly"? Would they be shamed for causing pain for their family? I doubt it.
Here we have depression. There is no cure. At best it can only be managed. Personally, mine has never even gotten to the "managed" part. Now because of my food issues my body is giving out. I am dying slowly. The only difference is that I have a disease that others think I can control, that there is a cure for, that looks like laziness. I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean and I keep going under the water. I am fighting it and the more I fight the more I get dragged down. I am choking on the water. I remind myself to float and I come back up for a little while. I come back up and I am still alone in the middle of a big ocean, treading water only to eventually get exhausted and go under again. Rinse and repeat.
All this time I believed that my hesitancy to end my own life was because somewhere inside of me there was hope. Today a light bulb went off. It is NOT hope that stops me. It is simple fear. Fear of dying. Many people are afraid of dying. It is the unknown. Now I have an answer. It's not hope. It is fear.
Replies
Cecil, isn\'t it pretty recently that you\'ve started remembering and working on the sexual abuse in your past? If so, then the lifelong continuity you\'re describing isn\'t quite accurate. This is something new, the first time you\'re addressing the root of the problem. When you hit a dead end in your therapy maybe we can talk about hopelessness. But it doesn\'t seem to be the case.