well actually I guess I need to write about it. I went to work today and it seemed like since yesterday I was just really unwound and 'open' - I couldn't really do anything about it except just accept it - be positive - and do my work.
My connections at work were alright, so so, but so it goes, we are all busy in our lives and so I just left at the end of my shift just 'on to the next.'
I was really looking forward to my day when I came home. I don't have any commitments today and so I made some fried rice, had some cheese and drank some beer. I mellowed a bit and kind of thought about the nature of my life (different for me eh? hehe) but in a good sense I realized that so often I look for 'a way of being' when in truth I'm a quirky individual - and we are all individuals and all together that makes life complex. But I realized in being an individual that I really enjoy being around friends, something I have shyed away from in my healing years. Perhaps I have been ashamed and frightened and didn't the self confidence or value to say to myself "YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ENJOY IT" - that's kind of what I realized today. I enjoyed being by myself some - rather than feel I had to hold tight to a set of details, I just kind of allowed myself to be 'my flawed self'. I really felt the presence of my mom. And after a while of being alone my mind started picking away at me and I called my therapist but didn't leave a message...I just remembered "What am I going to do about it?" - so I came on here to write about it. I'll lift some weights and reach out to a friend. I hope you guys are having a good day. And if it's a struggling day I hope you can find a helpful focus. Peace, M
You’re a very thoughtful reflective person mark. I think it’s tough to be a sincerely thoughtful person. Because we never know if our thoughts will take us feeling up or feeling down.
I’ve been trying to think about creative projects more lately, as away to navigate the rotating questions in my brain and steer them in new directions. It’s only preliminary thinking but it’s there.
I can’t remember, have you ever done art therapy classes or groups? I think you’d be a really great participant in that. Don’t know if there are any near you but that kind of group helped me feel connected.
I write....my brain spins and the memories are always there tucked away in the many, many filing cabinets I've assigned them too...I have to work pretty hard most of the time to keep them in those drawers....because the majority of my memories are on the "dark and twisty" side and I don't let them come out and take up cognitive space because I don't want the Hamster Wheel spinning on those thoughts. So I write a lot every day, every night...for 40 plus years at the end of every day for sure I"ve written all the crap that's in my head because I don't want to go to sleep with it all jumbled up there, I want to dump it out onto paper, file the memories away in their drawers and go on the next day to whatever the hell is waiting next.
The good memories I let flow freely and float around, weirdly I rarely write those down because I don't need to brain-dump them, they can stay up their and take up cognitive real estate and its fine. The other crap...yeah it gets written in some journal, until that journal is filled and then it goes in a box with all it's "dark and twisty" friends. My attic is full of boxes. The one chore I feel sorry for bestowing on my sons when I croak is having to deal with those Journals, but they can just shred or burn them, whatever.
People like you or me or any of us who have to manage our cognitive real estate on a daily basis...well you have to figure out what the best way to do it is. For each of us its probably a little different, but I imagine the feelings can be quite the same.
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Sorry. :-(
well actually I guess I need to write about it. I went to work today and it seemed like since yesterday I was just really unwound and 'open' - I couldn't really do anything about it except just accept it - be positive - and do my work.
My connections at work were alright, so so, but so it goes, we are all busy in our lives and so I just left at the end of my shift just 'on to the next.'
I was really looking forward to my day when I came home. I don't have any commitments today and so I made some fried rice, had some cheese and drank some beer. I mellowed a bit and kind of thought about the nature of my life (different for me eh? hehe) but in a good sense I realized that so often I look for 'a way of being' when in truth I'm a quirky individual - and we are all individuals and all together that makes life complex. But I realized in being an individual that I really enjoy being around friends, something I have shyed away from in my healing years. Perhaps I have been ashamed and frightened and didn't the self confidence or value to say to myself "YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ENJOY IT" - that's kind of what I realized today. I enjoyed being by myself some - rather than feel I had to hold tight to a set of details, I just kind of allowed myself to be 'my flawed self'. I really felt the presence of my mom. And after a while of being alone my mind started picking away at me and I called my therapist but didn't leave a message...I just remembered "What am I going to do about it?" - so I came on here to write about it. I'll lift some weights and reach out to a friend. I hope you guys are having a good day. And if it's a struggling day I hope you can find a helpful focus. Peace, M
Thanks Chris!!
You’re a very thoughtful reflective person mark. I think it’s tough to be a sincerely thoughtful person. Because we never know if our thoughts will take us feeling up or feeling down.
I’ve been trying to think about creative projects more lately, as away to navigate the rotating questions in my brain and steer them in new directions. It’s only preliminary thinking but it’s there.
I can’t remember, have you ever done art therapy classes or groups? I think you’d be a really great participant in that. Don’t know if there are any near you but that kind of group helped me feel connected.
thanks Sensitive! I like art and I think I will do some! :-)
I write....my brain spins and the memories are always there tucked away in the many, many filing cabinets I've assigned them too...I have to work pretty hard most of the time to keep them in those drawers....because the majority of my memories are on the "dark and twisty" side and I don't let them come out and take up cognitive space because I don't want the Hamster Wheel spinning on those thoughts. So I write a lot every day, every night...for 40 plus years at the end of every day for sure I"ve written all the crap that's in my head because I don't want to go to sleep with it all jumbled up there, I want to dump it out onto paper, file the memories away in their drawers and go on the next day to whatever the hell is waiting next.
The good memories I let flow freely and float around, weirdly I rarely write those down because I don't need to brain-dump them, they can stay up their and take up cognitive real estate and its fine. The other crap...yeah it gets written in some journal, until that journal is filled and then it goes in a box with all it's "dark and twisty" friends. My attic is full of boxes. The one chore I feel sorry for bestowing on my sons when I croak is having to deal with those Journals, but they can just shred or burn them, whatever.
People like you or me or any of us who have to manage our cognitive real estate on a daily basis...well you have to figure out what the best way to do it is. For each of us its probably a little different, but I imagine the feelings can be quite the same.
Hope you have a nice Sunday Mark.
So I say to you my dear LC..... "You're Allowed to Enjoy it"..... YES!!!!…...xo
Thanks Kat and Jan!!