life in the moment

I was in church serving this evening. it went really well. at first I was challenged

for the reasons I think I mentioned in the last two journals. I was feeling overwhelmed

by the rules, the routine and just the pressure of things. Of maybe finding a new plateau to

stand on in my mental health journey. If I wanted to change my circumstances to go somewhere

else I realized that I would be but changing one set of circumstance for another - and I would be bringing

myself with me (if that makes sense.)

I would be with new people who like here at the monastery and it would be complicated adult relationships. But gratefully my mind coalesced tonight.

I was aware that my center was coming together. The service was well organized and my voice

and mind didn't fail me. I realized too that life is but moments of happiness

that fall away- but also I noticed how the thoughts in my mind come from different places which

throws me off when I try to commit to things and also in knowing who I am

and I was reminded of the book title by Elyn Saks "the center cannot hold." I find that title

over and over so sufficient to express troubles of my mind. I haven't read it. I read a paragraph

and it scared me. Maybe I'll read it eventually. Life is feeling good right now. When I was in church

I very appreciated that we all come here to the monastic life for different reasons and it seemed

a formalized community for those seeking structure and a lifestyle to live by and with. The religion

was really making sense to me tonight. Rather than being moved by the mysticism - it just made 

sense tonight in a really sober way. Anyways, again things are good. Here's the book cover below.

Elyn Saks. A hero in the mental healthy community - she's persevered and has served as a beacon. 

Journaling seemed unnatural to me when I got back tonight

but once I got into it, it flowed.