Life Goes On
I sat here alone tonight, thinking, wondering, and making plans. Life hurts, but life goes on. I think my son's son said it very profound for a 17 year old who misses his dad so much. He wrote: "Things have changed, yet things are still the same" He wrote this on his dad's 5 months in Heaven. I wished we lived closer, I know he needs someone to talk to and he would talk to my husband, they have a lot in common.
When we went to AL to watch his spring football game, I found that our church at their yearly convention will pay tribute to the Pastor's in our church who have passed away this past year. Not only did Ken's wife loss Ken, but she also lost her uncle earlier in 09. As we were talking, I found out about the tribute and that so far no one could attend the ceremony. I, of course, volunteered.
On June 29, we will go to our church headquarter's to attend the Tribute, which I am truely honored to do, as HE was my SON!!and so proud of HIM.
Then in July, the FMO retreat. I am looking forward to meeting everyone on here that is going. I think both events will have much meaning, along with sad times, happy times, fun times, meeting new friends. As we all probably feel if you feel like me, I am happy for these opportunities but also somewhat fearful. I look forward to the retreat, but not why we are going, just for the chance to meet some of you face to face and share hugs and tears and find some peace while we struggle with our pain.
This year as the last several years have taken on different meanings in my life. I don't think I take life for granted as I did. Losing Ken in Dec and the memorial in Jan, just still don't seem real, the day Dec 30th, 2009 my life stopped, I did not feel I could ever move forward. I just wanted to get all my family and friends and just go be with Kenny. Of course we know we can't. Then I got sick and was not sure I would survive that, which was a given I could have died. But I didn't, then I guess that is when it hit me, No matter what Life Goes ON! plans are made, graduations, parties, birthday's, it still continues to continue on with the living and with our beautiful children who have gone on before us to their Heavenly home.
As I journal this, Life Goes On, People Keep Living I continue to make plans. That day in Dec, I did not see my life going on, but I guess life has a way to make sure we do.
Forever I will remember that night in Dec, Forever, it is sketched in my brain, Forever, I will continue to miss my son, to cry, to love, but also to Live. That I know my son would want.
Hopefully, as I make plans for each day and with whatever is for that day, that I will remember God gave me four wonderful son's, Ken left this earth earlier than I had wished, but God allowed me to know him, to watch him grow and with his children, I still see Ken at work on this earth.
No matter our pain the day we had to face our child's death, the pain of feeling life was over, and if it could have been we would have grasped it in our palm's and held on for another time with our children. But until that day........Life Goes On!
I love you Ken and thank you for the courage you showed me. Your mom....
When we went to AL to watch his spring football game, I found that our church at their yearly convention will pay tribute to the Pastor's in our church who have passed away this past year. Not only did Ken's wife loss Ken, but she also lost her uncle earlier in 09. As we were talking, I found out about the tribute and that so far no one could attend the ceremony. I, of course, volunteered.
On June 29, we will go to our church headquarter's to attend the Tribute, which I am truely honored to do, as HE was my SON!!and so proud of HIM.
Then in July, the FMO retreat. I am looking forward to meeting everyone on here that is going. I think both events will have much meaning, along with sad times, happy times, fun times, meeting new friends. As we all probably feel if you feel like me, I am happy for these opportunities but also somewhat fearful. I look forward to the retreat, but not why we are going, just for the chance to meet some of you face to face and share hugs and tears and find some peace while we struggle with our pain.
This year as the last several years have taken on different meanings in my life. I don't think I take life for granted as I did. Losing Ken in Dec and the memorial in Jan, just still don't seem real, the day Dec 30th, 2009 my life stopped, I did not feel I could ever move forward. I just wanted to get all my family and friends and just go be with Kenny. Of course we know we can't. Then I got sick and was not sure I would survive that, which was a given I could have died. But I didn't, then I guess that is when it hit me, No matter what Life Goes ON! plans are made, graduations, parties, birthday's, it still continues to continue on with the living and with our beautiful children who have gone on before us to their Heavenly home.
As I journal this, Life Goes On, People Keep Living I continue to make plans. That day in Dec, I did not see my life going on, but I guess life has a way to make sure we do.
Forever I will remember that night in Dec, Forever, it is sketched in my brain, Forever, I will continue to miss my son, to cry, to love, but also to Live. That I know my son would want.
Hopefully, as I make plans for each day and with whatever is for that day, that I will remember God gave me four wonderful son's, Ken left this earth earlier than I had wished, but God allowed me to know him, to watch him grow and with his children, I still see Ken at work on this earth.
No matter our pain the day we had to face our child's death, the pain of feeling life was over, and if it could have been we would have grasped it in our palm's and held on for another time with our children. But until that day........Life Goes On!
I love you Ken and thank you for the courage you showed me. Your mom....
Replies
Sandi, I haven\'t read your journal in a while, but this one definitely shows me you\'ve made some great progress. Grief isn\'t something that is dealt with in a Point A to B to C fashion. You will take two steps forward then a step back, but you are pulling yourself out of that horrid pit of constant sadness and you can at least see a bit of the light of day. I am happy for you. Trust me--It WILL get better in time. You will always miss Ken, that\'s a given, but you will begin to get your life back so that you can really function again within your family. (By that I mean being able to think clearly enough to make good decisions--to even WANT to think about things that require making big decisions, etc--took me almost a full year to be able to do those things but now I\'m almost feeling like my old self again.)
And you will experience joy in your life again. it may take time--but you have plenty of sources of joy with all those kids and grandkids! Just relax and let life happen--Ken will be smiling :) Love to you, Cherie
What an inspiring journal. Thank you!