Life As It Is
Feeling really run down lately. I'm always tired, I don't feel the need to get dressed in anything other then sweats, I only brush my hair if I need to. I get up, do what I have to do, I feel myself getting short tempered, and impatience is not something that I've ever had a problem with.
I eat because I'm bored, because I'm feeling blah, and then I feel fat, and then I get upset, and then I eat, and on and on with the tried and true. As such I have almost hit 200lbs. The heaviest I have ever been. And Joey is losing weight, and I look at him, buying new clothes, preening, constantly flaunting off his new slimmer self...and I feel even fatter..so I go eat. I'm going to try a new exercise and eating regiment next month, I'm hoping that it works for me. I'm really hoping.
Since Joey started losing weight he also touches me less and less. I have to ask, then pretty much beg, for him to even kiss me. Of course, he still wants me to satisfy his other needs at night, in the dark, when he can pass out right after. But during the day I can't even get him to hold my hand.
And, to make matters even WORSE I'm a month late on my period. I'm not too panicked because it has happened before. I went of my birth control since after 5 different kinds I still found myself getting ill on them. So I stopped this last one with the plan of going back to my doctor, but then he was booked up for six months! So my period has been wonky for a few months. I basically get one every other month. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about it like crazy. And I have been peeing alot, but I have been trying to drink more water, and Joey made a joke about me being knocked up and I made one back about not knowing for sure until Aunt Flo came, and he FREAKED OUT! Like snapped, in public too. Telling me that if I'm pregnant that it's all my fault for not being on the pill. Never mind that I have to harass him and harass him to wrap it. Or that it takes two to make a baby. Or that it took us over a year to concieve Marlow and I wasn't on any pill at that time. So now I'm worrying about my weight and my rag. That's why I'm not starting the new weight managment plan until next month, not until I'm SURE I'm not pregnant.
I plan on taking a test by the 15th if I haven't had my wonderful present. But here's to hoping it shows up!
And Marlow's attitude has gotten even worse, as if that was possible! But apparently it is....who woulda thunk.
Plus, Julian's difficulties are starting to wear on me. I'm not a special needs worker, and with five other kids running around the home I find myself getting upset at him. I'll be holding an infant, trying to feed her, while trying to get two of the other kids a drink, while reminding another kid that the toys aren't for throwing, while keeping the other kid occupied....all the while Julian is throwing his food on the floor, or screaming at the top of his lungs just to hear it, or banging his head off of the wall. It gets over whelming!
Ugh, I really really really want life to ease up. There are 1000 more things swirling around the schmozz that is my life!
I eat because I'm bored, because I'm feeling blah, and then I feel fat, and then I get upset, and then I eat, and on and on with the tried and true. As such I have almost hit 200lbs. The heaviest I have ever been. And Joey is losing weight, and I look at him, buying new clothes, preening, constantly flaunting off his new slimmer self...and I feel even fatter..so I go eat. I'm going to try a new exercise and eating regiment next month, I'm hoping that it works for me. I'm really hoping.
Since Joey started losing weight he also touches me less and less. I have to ask, then pretty much beg, for him to even kiss me. Of course, he still wants me to satisfy his other needs at night, in the dark, when he can pass out right after. But during the day I can't even get him to hold my hand.
And, to make matters even WORSE I'm a month late on my period. I'm not too panicked because it has happened before. I went of my birth control since after 5 different kinds I still found myself getting ill on them. So I stopped this last one with the plan of going back to my doctor, but then he was booked up for six months! So my period has been wonky for a few months. I basically get one every other month. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about it like crazy. And I have been peeing alot, but I have been trying to drink more water, and Joey made a joke about me being knocked up and I made one back about not knowing for sure until Aunt Flo came, and he FREAKED OUT! Like snapped, in public too. Telling me that if I'm pregnant that it's all my fault for not being on the pill. Never mind that I have to harass him and harass him to wrap it. Or that it takes two to make a baby. Or that it took us over a year to concieve Marlow and I wasn't on any pill at that time. So now I'm worrying about my weight and my rag. That's why I'm not starting the new weight managment plan until next month, not until I'm SURE I'm not pregnant.
I plan on taking a test by the 15th if I haven't had my wonderful present. But here's to hoping it shows up!
And Marlow's attitude has gotten even worse, as if that was possible! But apparently it is....who woulda thunk.
Plus, Julian's difficulties are starting to wear on me. I'm not a special needs worker, and with five other kids running around the home I find myself getting upset at him. I'll be holding an infant, trying to feed her, while trying to get two of the other kids a drink, while reminding another kid that the toys aren't for throwing, while keeping the other kid occupied....all the while Julian is throwing his food on the floor, or screaming at the top of his lungs just to hear it, or banging his head off of the wall. It gets over whelming!
Ugh, I really really really want life to ease up. There are 1000 more things swirling around the schmozz that is my life!
Replies