Lies

So things were ok. sure the daily struggles and as always the voices of self harm are there, but if i have my friends and family I'll be ok. My friend got a boyfriend and no long wants to do anything and my sister who was my best friend is being well not every nice. The other day I went to go pick up my older sister after she got a flat tire and I had to pick her up when I got there she was on the phone, I just asumed it was her boy friend... Nope She got in the car and i heard the voice of my step dad the man who raped me, and i told my self she wouldnt be talking to him while in the car with me. We didnt even make out of the parking lot when she said "I know Daddy" I couldnt believe it. If I'm being honest, it felt like being stabbed, it felt like I was nothing just a doll that she grew out of and the through out. She continued to talk to him and I didnt want to hear him or even be around her so i took her headphones and and started to play my music as loud as i could trying to block out the voices not only thiers but the ones in my head telling me Im nothing that im trash replaceable, forgettable, slut, that the if i just did one cut the pain and hurt would end and physical pain would be better. She never once stopped to ask if i was ok not once she just talked to him for the 3miles back to my house. I'm thinking I made a mistake in telling that i could have just left when i turned 18 and everything would be ok but no I had to open my mouth and tell and now even the people i trusted enough to tell have abandoned me. My best friend who said she never wanted to drift apart is pushing us apart. And as bad as this is the one person I want to talk to (was metally abusive) isnt talking to me and wasnt good for me but at least he was there. At least I knew I could go over to his place and for a short while forget what was going on.

Oh and another thing My mom and sister are not talking to each other because my sister got back together with her ex that treated my mom like shit. and now my mom wants nothing to do with her and I'm somewhere in the middle (or at least i was until her phone call). Its Getting to the point that I dont even know what to do. And its not like a tharipist would help. Sorry but after I had been shoved onto the next counsilor 4 times in one month I cant trust. and I'm sorry this is dark or me jsut ranting but I had to tell someone.