Letting go

Since new year's eve my mood has been amazing. I feel very content and very relaxed. This surprises me greatly. My moods for the past couple of months have been spotty at best, usually ranging from severely depressed to unbelievable furious. It's been a struggle to see the good in anything, but that has drastically changed and I think I know why. When I broke up with my ex two months ago, I did so with a very heavy heart. Everthing within my life had changed, everything I had that was familiar was removed from my life very suddenly and very painfully. Our relationship was the final thing to go, the last piece of what I held onto. The loss was crushing. I didn't want to let go. So, even though we were over, even though he had treated me badly for months before the split, my mind refused to give up hope that I'd see him again. It sounds pathetic, but a part of me was desperate to find comfort in him. To feel loved and to have him somehow prove that the past two years hadn't been a total waste of time. It's foolish to put so much stock in someone else, to think that a kind word or smile can give validation to my own life, but I did so anyway. I wouldn't move on, not just from him, but from the hope that I could somehow return to the life I'd left behind. Over and over again, my mind would come up with ways to run into him, reasons to make contact. The holidays were a perfect excuse, esspecially new year's eve. If I went to a party hosted by mutual friends, I might be able to see him, talk to him. At the very least, just to know that he missed me, that I was important enough to miss, was what I wanted. A huge part of me was screaming to avoid the party, that it'd be a mistake to go, but I couldn't resist the temptation. Well, new year's eve arrived... but the party didn't. My friends decided to attend someone else's party this year instead of throwing their own. I ended up staying home and watching "Bones" on dvd with my father. So, there it went, my last chance to see him, right out the window.  The surprising thing is, I'm glad. For the first time in over three months, when everything first started to come down, I feel content. I finally feel like it's over, not just my ex and I, but that whole chapter of my life. It's finished and there is no going back. Now I can move forward. I finally let go... and I'm so relieved I could cry :)