Letting go
I find that when I really care about something, I have a hard time letting go. That goes to anything from television programs to people. I never realized that about myself before. I tend to stay too long when something has potential. I can watch the worst television series and think, but it's got potential, maybe with a little tweaking it can be a great show. Five years later I'm still watching and waiting.
I've come to know that I'm now doing that with my father. You see, he's a great guy who happened to have tough times in his life. He's not perfect, but nobody is. Problem with my situation is that I'm not looking for perfection, I'm just looking for improvement. I've waited 53 years for it. He's just on the cusp of being a great dad, but it's not to be. I've got to accept him for who he is and stand back. He is perfectly happy being the way he is and has practised for 82 years to achieve the level of perfection that pleases him. He's happy to intimidate and has honed this skill to a fine point. He works endlessly at the art of making people feel horrible. He's very good at it.
As for me, I'll move in as planned. The house has two floors. I'll stay on one of them. I'll talk to him for a few minutes then retire to my own little spot. Once he's back on his feet, I will move out. I will do it reluctantly, but it will be done.
The thing that triggered this new resolve of mine: He told me to butt out of his medical problems. He does not want me talking to his doctor. He does not want me taking care of his medication. When I pointed out(rather delecately) that he has been having memory laspses and I'm afraid for him. He accused me of insulting him. It brought me back to the last months of my DH. You see, I attended nursing school for 3 years. I did not graduate as I lost my sight and really didn't like this field of work. Nevertheless, I was a straight A student and considering that was just four years ago and I was nearly 50, that is quite an accomplishment. I watched my husband kill himself with food, salt, lack of sleep. I watched him work literally night and day. I told him that this sort of behavior could kill him. What did he do? Slammed the door in my face, screamed and hollered, accused me of being a pushy wife, all so he could pursue the next Big Mac. Then he died, leaving me with sorrow. There wasn't one single doctor who didn't tell me that his rupture was from high blood pressure(On the day of the aneurysm, he admitted to loading up on salt. This in spite of the fact that I'd gotten his blood pressure under control. It was sky hight at the time.) He'd added the salt back in his diet.
Now he's gone.
I don't understand it. I had a coworker who told me that he had pains in his back. His doctor had prescribed an antibiotic for him. I told him to walk, don't run to the nearest emergency room and find out what was happining. He listened to me. The ER doc said he was a walking dead man. His arteries were blocked and he was rushed into heart surgery. Today his 13 year old son will enjoy father's day with him.
So why can't I help the people I love? A near stranger listened to me and is alive. My husband and father shut me out and one has already gone.
Nevertheless, I've got to let go. My father is saved. He will go to heaven when his time is up. He has the right to make that decision. And I've got to let go.
I've come to know that I'm now doing that with my father. You see, he's a great guy who happened to have tough times in his life. He's not perfect, but nobody is. Problem with my situation is that I'm not looking for perfection, I'm just looking for improvement. I've waited 53 years for it. He's just on the cusp of being a great dad, but it's not to be. I've got to accept him for who he is and stand back. He is perfectly happy being the way he is and has practised for 82 years to achieve the level of perfection that pleases him. He's happy to intimidate and has honed this skill to a fine point. He works endlessly at the art of making people feel horrible. He's very good at it.
As for me, I'll move in as planned. The house has two floors. I'll stay on one of them. I'll talk to him for a few minutes then retire to my own little spot. Once he's back on his feet, I will move out. I will do it reluctantly, but it will be done.
The thing that triggered this new resolve of mine: He told me to butt out of his medical problems. He does not want me talking to his doctor. He does not want me taking care of his medication. When I pointed out(rather delecately) that he has been having memory laspses and I'm afraid for him. He accused me of insulting him. It brought me back to the last months of my DH. You see, I attended nursing school for 3 years. I did not graduate as I lost my sight and really didn't like this field of work. Nevertheless, I was a straight A student and considering that was just four years ago and I was nearly 50, that is quite an accomplishment. I watched my husband kill himself with food, salt, lack of sleep. I watched him work literally night and day. I told him that this sort of behavior could kill him. What did he do? Slammed the door in my face, screamed and hollered, accused me of being a pushy wife, all so he could pursue the next Big Mac. Then he died, leaving me with sorrow. There wasn't one single doctor who didn't tell me that his rupture was from high blood pressure(On the day of the aneurysm, he admitted to loading up on salt. This in spite of the fact that I'd gotten his blood pressure under control. It was sky hight at the time.) He'd added the salt back in his diet.
Now he's gone.
I don't understand it. I had a coworker who told me that he had pains in his back. His doctor had prescribed an antibiotic for him. I told him to walk, don't run to the nearest emergency room and find out what was happining. He listened to me. The ER doc said he was a walking dead man. His arteries were blocked and he was rushed into heart surgery. Today his 13 year old son will enjoy father's day with him.
So why can't I help the people I love? A near stranger listened to me and is alive. My husband and father shut me out and one has already gone.
Nevertheless, I've got to let go. My father is saved. He will go to heaven when his time is up. He has the right to make that decision. And I've got to let go.
Replies
It\'s hard to let go. My dad passed away six months ago at the age of 85. I realized years ago that he was set in his ways and would not change. When he was in hospice, I tried to be supportive and show him that I cared. I tried to respect his wishes. Beyond that there was nothing else I could do. I know it\'s hard when people don\'t take our advice. We just want what is best for them.. but like you said... you just have to let go, take care of yourself and be supportive to your loved ones. Wishing you peace.
Hi,
I understand you care. It is so hard to watch people do the wrong thing. I\'m a cardiac nurse so I see every day people who don\'t follow what is needed. My husband died of cancer and I tried to have him eat a healthy diet.I did not change the out come. I can support people but I can not change them. It is the hardest thing I do is to let go. I feel your pain. Hang in there
Malia
Isn\'t there something in the bible that talks about Jesus being known and declared a prophet everywhere but where He grew up???? So it is sometimes with us................those closest to us don\'t listen.........and we control nothing.................don\'t be so hard on yourself dear friend...................
L
I have a hard time letting to as well. I stayed in a rotten marriage for 16 1/2 years before I left. A few years later we actually got divorced. I have to learn to let some things go and the wisdom to figure what to let go.
Your dad won\'t change and DH had a choice to change his diet but he did not want to. You can\'t control people or force them to do what is right. I had to learn to accept my mom. My mom was a controlling person. She never changed. Also, my mom had a bad diet like your DH. I had to accept the fact she would never change her diet. Accepting the people the way they are was a lot easier for me in coping with my mom. It is not easy accepting people the way they are and I am having a hard time with my brother Don who has Asperger\'s Syndrome.
It is easier to help stranger who will actually listen to what you say. Family and loved ones do not listen or take your advice at all.
I am having a hard time being alone in the apartment. I am afraid I will make a drastic mistake in the romance department. Sometimes loneliness will drive you into the arms of another person who is not right for you.
From Diane
I have one word that means stuborn and mule headed MEN. They don\'t listen and they think that they will live forever. I don\'t inow if its a genetic fault, or what but your story is so true on so many levels. You need to find your place of ahppiness and live there. If your father dosn\'t want your help with his medical issues, then let it go. It will only upset and frustrate you. Do what you need to survive and be a peace. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your are doing a brave thing. Hugs Jane