letting the abuse in life keep you company

I have recognized lately, through hard work and some distress, that I have been letting the abuse in life

keep me company and define me. I don't know how it is for anyone else, but I seem, when alone or not engaged

in activity I seem to need to keep in touch with like some mental activity. It's kind of like I guess ruminating - or ping pong -drilling down too.

I recognized that I don't seem to let it all go unless I get a little hysterical and then there's release.

Now as I have been lying here in bed trying to sleep - with like a stoic resolve to just SLEEP (on command)

slowly my life's abuses come to mind. Now maybe I am processing still from childhood - and maybe there's an intensity and sense of

defintion in that. I am trying though to let it go - and live defined just by the moment - and now I hope that I can lull to sleep.

Perhaps it's just part of the rythim of the day - that I learned things and grow. Process and move on.

I just want to find common ground and not just live in fear and reaction. I don't know if this makes sense. Sometimes fear and reaction are good motivators but right now I just want to put 'it all' to rest and go to sleep. I am going to look up how to register for the play writing course tomorrow. I'd really like to make a story that is about us as a community, finding common ground and humanity - full lives in the way that we can - and include a sense of humor. :)