Letting go of fear
On the day my husband passed, I sat by his bedside in awe of him. I knew that he was seeing the face of God. How I wanted to be in his place.
When did it start, this longing for death? This feeling and need to be with my husband that is so strong that death does not scare me. It seemed like only yesterday that I was afraid to fly. I avoided airlines at all cost. I even told my husband that I wanted to spend our honeymoon at a local hotel instead of the Bahamas. Now I'm planning a trip to Rome.
The bible said that God does not give us the spirit of fear, so I guess it's agood thing, but it is disconcerting. Up until now, fear had been my companion. I would avoid eating certain things in fear that I could become sick and die. I bought bottled water, switching to tap water once I found out that it was not regulated. I exercised, lived in safer neighborhoods. And now, well, things have changed. I'm not afraid of these things any longer. I look to my side and I don't see fear walking with me. I miss fear because there was something comforting about it. Something that made me feel in control. Yes, I was afraid, but I knew what to do to remain safe. Now I spend my days thinking about Heaven and how wonderful it is. I've replaced fear with another companion: the thought of everlasting life in heaven.
There's a huge part of me that hasn't figured out what to do with this new companion. I know that people won't understand. Tell someone you look forward to death and they're ready to call the men in white coats. They're thinking your're suicidal. Yet, suicide is the last thing on my mind. I'm an ex-Catholic who was raised to believe that suicide is a mortal sin. I'm not interested in angering God so I'm happy to wait my turn. But I'm like the kid in line for ice cream. I want it now. I want to taste the sweet nectar of Heaven. All I ask is that my dying is sweet. I don't want to suffer. I just want to be in the presence of the Almighty and look into the eyes of my dear husband.
When did it start, this longing for death? This feeling and need to be with my husband that is so strong that death does not scare me. It seemed like only yesterday that I was afraid to fly. I avoided airlines at all cost. I even told my husband that I wanted to spend our honeymoon at a local hotel instead of the Bahamas. Now I'm planning a trip to Rome.
The bible said that God does not give us the spirit of fear, so I guess it's agood thing, but it is disconcerting. Up until now, fear had been my companion. I would avoid eating certain things in fear that I could become sick and die. I bought bottled water, switching to tap water once I found out that it was not regulated. I exercised, lived in safer neighborhoods. And now, well, things have changed. I'm not afraid of these things any longer. I look to my side and I don't see fear walking with me. I miss fear because there was something comforting about it. Something that made me feel in control. Yes, I was afraid, but I knew what to do to remain safe. Now I spend my days thinking about Heaven and how wonderful it is. I've replaced fear with another companion: the thought of everlasting life in heaven.
There's a huge part of me that hasn't figured out what to do with this new companion. I know that people won't understand. Tell someone you look forward to death and they're ready to call the men in white coats. They're thinking your're suicidal. Yet, suicide is the last thing on my mind. I'm an ex-Catholic who was raised to believe that suicide is a mortal sin. I'm not interested in angering God so I'm happy to wait my turn. But I'm like the kid in line for ice cream. I want it now. I want to taste the sweet nectar of Heaven. All I ask is that my dying is sweet. I don't want to suffer. I just want to be in the presence of the Almighty and look into the eyes of my dear husband.
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You know as strange as it may seem, I am kind of in the same place................I also am an ex Catholic..................turned over my life and have a personal relationship with the Lord......am praying o find His purpose for the rest of my life but it would not be a bad thing if I were to close my eyes and die at any point in time.........................my husband had been on the respirator and never regained consciousness so I didn\'t have any inkling about what he saw............but I knew when his spirit left his body....................
How exciting about your trip................are you going alone, or with a group? I don\'t really have the urge to travel out of the country but road trips would be ok............
Truhal I understand loosing the fear of death and the sweet dreams of seeing my wife again, I feel the same. In the afternoon on the day of her death Lois laying in the hosiptal her arms held up seemed to be asking God what he was waiting for. Later that night He finished getting me ready so i could let go then I turned off the vent and God took her home. NO FEAR AND PEASE Dave
My husband\'s death has changed my perspective on life and on death. I think that I don\'t fear death but then I haven\'t been faced with it either. I also think about the things he and I talked about experiencing together now that the kids were older and we were less tied to being close. We had plans to experience life but in my loss of him so have I lost the interest in persuing those experiences. I want to live and be vibrant and happy again yet if death came my way I don\'t know how I would feel. Since death has not knocked upon my door I want to make the most of this life I have been blessed with. I could also say that I too am an ex Catholic but once you are Catholic it stays with you though I find my connection with the Lord through a more spirit filled environment of the New Christian movement.
I watched the movie 2012 today and thought about the two possibilities. Either parrish on earth or be a part of the new society..a lot of things to ponder..
l,m also an ex catholic,now l lean more to Buddhism,which is a more calming way of life,and an acceptance of all of us that one day we will all die.Once you have looked after someone,as l did,death does not hold any fear for you.l looked after Frank for 16 months and at times prayed for his passing,l wanted him to go peacefully,he was in so much pain,but it wasn,t like that,sometimes his death haunts more.My mother always says to me that it must be so peaceful on the other side,and the people who have gone before us would not want to come back,and this is how l think,just to be reunited with Frank is like my comfort blanket,l know one day it will happen,so until then,l do what has to be done,just get on with life.Like you l have become fearless,nothing bothers me anymore,whats the point.
My husband\'s death has definitely taken away most of the fear of death I ever had (still not so sure I want to have pain like he did). I was always so timid and overly cautious. Now whatever happens will happen, and it wouldn\'t be so terrible if I ended up being with him sooner rather than later. So I really understand what you\'re saying.
Hugs, Gail
I understand what you are saying completely. I no longer fear death like I did before. I have a strong relationship with the Lord, but before Larry\'s passing, I did fear death. Now, I am just waiting to leave this world. Don\'t get me wrong, I want to live my life as long as the Lord intends for me to. I know He has a purpose for my life and I want to do His will...but heaven seems so much more sweeter now. I long to see my Larry so badly!!! I miss him so much!!!
I also agree with Lininsocial...Larry and I had plans...dreams...not yet accomplished and now I have no desire to continue with them alone. I am still just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to go on with my life. Living all alone is the pits!!! Thank the Lord for my friends here on DS and others who have reached out to me with their love and concern.
It\'s funny how losing a spouse can take the fear out of dying....I to have lost all fear of death and will welcome it. with open arms, when the Good Lord says my journey here is finished
There is something about holding your loved one in your arms and watching them take their last breath that changes you forever. Death no longer holds any fear for me and I will welcome it with open arms when my time comes. My grief and sorrow make me wish it would be soon but, if it is not, I will be ready when my time comes. Jim won\'t be there to hold me as I pass.....but I know he will be just on the \"other side\" and that give me great comfort.
I understand about wanting to die to be with your husband. I felt that way about my Smokey and still do. Except I am alive and well. God has a plan for us that we are still here and not taken away. My companion is loneliness now. I can easily make a mistake and dont want to at all. I am finding myself a little assertive when it comes to men and that can be a good thing/bad thing. I ask questions. Sometimes it comes off as flirting but I am not. Last night I did the same thing again. I don\'t feel bad as it is just my way. Next time someone asks am I flirting, I will have to say no. I said yes last night but I was not. When I was young, I was so wimpy when it comes to guys. I let them take the lead. Not so when I met Smokey and not so now. I guess it is part of my personality. I would rather walk in God\'s path and purpose for me. I want to change a little bit and let go of what I want and be open to what God wants for me and my life. I am not sure where the path is going but I know who is leading me along the way. All the best from Diane
Death doesn\'t frighten me as much as dying does. Death is just a natural stage of the spirit uniting with the Lord in peace and love. Dying in this earthly body, that was frightening to me. Now I have seen it done by my sweet husband with such grace and I know I have nothing to fear. It will simply be going home. When the Lord calls, I will answer.
I use to fear death. Thats why I went into home care. To try to get a handle on it. I became more accepting of it, but not until Frank died did I understand that he went before me to prepare a place for me, so that I would have someone to welcome me when the time came. I am at peace with that and now do not have the fear that I once did. Jane
For those of us who have lost a loved one, we completely understand what you are saying... At this point, we are just marking time until it\'s our turn. That\'s what my Dad is doing, I\'m doing and my s & bil who lost their only child. the thrill of living truly is gone. If I didn\'t have my son and my dad counting on me, I\'d have no reason to live...