letting go and letting god

I came home from work, and went about my chores. The last journal

I made summarized how my morning went.

I feel so powerfully that I need structure and almost permission

to go for things in my life, everything scrutinized for their utmost

pragmatic quality.... and not knowing what to go for 'tears me into'

a blank mind, frozen in inaction. Anxiety? ...and like I need to keep up with 

what's going on outside of me - and not being able to relax....

I have an admission, that at one time in my life I was highly attuned towards

art and design and also was very, very, sexual. I loved good food and drink

and I would just go with the whim of my appetites 

and not put a greater sense of responsibility in that arena, or self care, as it seemed indulging

was caring about my life, and so there wasn't putting into a sense of judgement/perspective, and I found out

indulging in everything was not self care..

I was a wild guy in a sense - and with all that I went for - it ended accumulating into

psychosis. 

I guess what I am saying here is, that although I don't feel comfortable anymore

with going for what I want in a natural kind of way - my interest now IS to create a life

that is practical and wise and prudent, careful. I guess in some sense I need to make time

for myself to be naturally me and just 'let go and let god' and sincerely hope that I don't

get out hand again or sick.... Perhaps in 'letting god' is like being open anew

to a greater sense of conscience.

The process of me learning to be self responsible for my feelings

and reaction to them has resulted in relative good health and successes in my work and relationships...stability of life...

I was, before all this pleasure seeking, very self sustaining, yet inexperienced, and saved a lot of my money - kept a 

spotless home and held down a very good job and was very house proud yet with very little 'life' - until

one day - I made a few new friends who suggested to me that I needed to loosen up and in truth

I was so ready to hear those encouragements.. I was VERY much encouraged by those close to me

BEFORE this

to be as conservative as I could be and in an isolated way I did that ... So it's like

in my life I have swung from one pendulum swing on one side to the other side in my set of standards.

My life before the pleasure seeking - I was encouraged to be frugal and not pursue passion as I just wrote.

So getting back today, I am here at home now - trying to relax a bit...and the anxiety is high.

I just know that I had the afternoon to myself today (after work) and I did some errands and chores

as well...and I noticed in the silence of my home I was kind of reaching something anxiously....

It's like I wanted a map before seeing the land I was going to - Like I want to know the answer

before I had the question. I think you guys might have seen this quality to my journals

that I am extremely conservative about my life pursuits now and so again I am getting to know

this and maybe I can have a happy medium....and again I am letting go and letting god (letting god remind me as I move along in life) to have a sense of responsibility when letting down my guard and pursuing life.

Perhaps it is as my friend the Abbess said to me "We don't need to learn to live alone, we need to learn to live with god."

New beginnings for a Happy New Year!! :)