letting go and holding on.

letting go IS important........now i need to focus on holding on.

when the days are tough it's hard to want to hold on.  i find myself crying......what i think of as breakthrough tears.  i try to suppress the weary loneliness, the ache that comes with tears.  like everything else this emotion drains the small cache of energy.  so to give in to the heartache takes away from something i could do or need to do that day or that week.  it's all hard.

so what helps me hold on? 

i've been praying less.  i've been isolated and insulated from the world.  it's a two edged sword.  being insulated feels that by turning to other distractions, tv shows.......chores, that i can manage to live forever if need be by myself.  what other choice do i have?

i tried church, going out and reaching out.  it hasn't worked long term.  not really.  so where is my faith?  it's chipped and bruised.  not in God......God is a constant, like the Northern Star he created.  I feel God, I know he is.  It's my faith in people that is tarnished and rusted.  Feels like I know better than to count on others.  Save the emergency......the dire straits moments.

Since Christmas I reached out to my children.  Sent a thank you note to my daughter....she responded and that was the last of it until my security alarm went off.  She came here to meet the officer, no one had broken in.......it was all just an odd situation.  The door to the garage wasn't securely latched, so when I backed the car out of the garage and eased down the driveway I watched the garage door close.  It was a cold blustery day, so the wind flew under the door in a huge strong gust and knocked the interior door to the home wide open.  Odd, but true.  The officer made sure all was well and my daughter left me a note.  I let her know I was ok, she let her brother know and that was that.

Quick efficient and done.  Not a chat with anyone about how things are.......just time to acknowledge their busy lives must continue at the same rapid pace.  It's a Cat's in the Cradle kind of life.....a tiny bird is visiting just outside my french door window.  I love these tiny nutmeg round birds, so lovely, the bird is singing and darting his head back and forth.  ....nice to have a visitor if only for a moment.

Then one day while out, I called my son.  I did that thing my kids do, I called while waiting for food.  That's what they do often.....a quick call while in their cars about to arrive somewhere or as they wait in line to order to go food.  It lets them be quick and not have to talk to me for long.  Efficient really......

We didn't talk long as he was swamped.  She is also always swamped.  So I let them go.......and go and go and go.  Then the tears come and I feel like the self pity will swallow me just at the whale swallowed Jonah. 

Gotta work on holding on and not being a sad person.  I reached out to a couple of locals and they finally got back to me, let me know how busy they've been, how busy they are.  Why am I not busy?  Why don't I have a life?  Why am I not needed? 

My life is here.  Right here.  Taking care of me.  Being calm, not getting worked up, trying to constantly learn how to not mind being so alone.  Sometimes I find myself chatting about stuff strangers have no interest in simply to have a way to talk for a bit.  Customer service reps or medical staff......they will let me go on for a bit, but they don't need what I have other than to break up some of the monotony of their days.  Self pity talk or reality setting in hard.....letting go and holding on.

Today is pretty decent.  I showered, did chores......have a roast in the oven.  The grocery store has a place where they put meat on sale and every now and then I find a deal.  I roasted the meat (to brown it) for an hour in water, then poured the water over some cream of mushroom soup, whisked it with some ground pepper, then I prepped some red potatoes, long carrots, and baby bella mushrooms.  I added the veggies and then poured the soup over the top, foiled it tight and it's gonna be a nice late lunch for one.  Gonna love the leftovers this week!

I watched all five Twilight Movies this week.  Some were good, some were so so.....I'm not really interested in vampires and werewolves, but I wanted to see what they were about,  Kristen Stewart does a really good job......Robert Patinson did too, the young man, the boy who turns into a wolf seemed to only play one note......frusted anger throughout.  They are attractive kids and this series made many stars.....and bought a lot of houses, and shoes and vacations oh my!  What would it be like to have money like that?

Hard to imagine......I wish I had a great memory so I could be an actor, not now, but even then I was lousy at remembering lines.  I think I could have been a tv writer......maybe.  A dramedy?  Might have been fun......

Yup, still me, rambling all over the place.  I got a lot of things done this week overall.  I painted my bathroom shelves white, I removed the loose trim piece in the bathroom and fixed it.  I got my rug back thanks to Bruce it's all clean and wonderful again.....so the living room looks complete......I glued the little pieces that had come off the armoire, they look like tiny wooden mushrooms, they fit on the armoire doors, that job's done.......I repainted the fireplace screen.  Some of the paint had chipped off.......we had some nice warm days so I used them to take advantage of painting.  Got the paperwork sorted, the new 2019 file in order for receipts of all kinds......after weeks of doing nothing save eating and sleeping, feeding the cats, showering and drinking water, last week was definitely an upgrade of activity for me.

Tired now, achy arms and shoulders beg me to stop.......I need a little more life to hold onto, and somehow I have to figure out how to get it......or how to live with the way things are.  Still a work in progress.......even at 62 and 7/8 years of age.  Gonna be 63 in ten days.  February 20th......huh.  If I'm aging that means I'm still breathing............oh wait, I found out that I'm a textbook case of success with the sleep apnea equipment, gone from 69.9 episodes (either shallow breaths or not breathing at all) per hour to one episode maybe per hour and an average of 7.5 to 8 hours a night.  That is AMAZING........still exhausted, still napping anywhere from 1 to 4 naps daily depending, but I am no longer trekking to the bathroom a hundred times a night.......so let's celebrate the goodness of this big change!  The end. xoxoxo