Letting go...again
Here we go again. Tried to get together with DD28 twice this week to no avail. I'very gotten used to being "blown off" by here and have learned to let it go, but twice in one week was just too much. It would have been fine had she sent me a simple text just letting me know she "couldn't make it after all", but both times she just left me hanging with a "I'll let you know this afternoon". Don't tell someone that if you don't mean it! So, both times I'm just left wondering for hours what happened.
I tried really hard to "let it go", but just needed to speak up, so just sent her a simple text yesterday that after being "blown ofd" twice in one week was enough and I give up. In her usual fashion, she texted me back telling me to "calm down" "get a life" and that she has a busy life. There was kore, but they were just more of her usual excuses for blowing me off...her friends decided they wanted to go out to dinner, her phone died...blah, blah, blah...She told me not to t"take it personally " and not be hurt. I am not hurt...hot over that a long time ago with this "child". It's her lack of consideration for others that I called her out on. She does this to everyone (except probably her friends). She caused so much drama and frustration before DD30's wedding last year that DD30 was about ready to kick her out of her wedding party.
We all understand that this is the way she is, but we don't know why she does it. We're her family. She knows we love her yet she doesn't always respond to us and the only time I hear from her is when she needs something. Ugh My other daughters don’t even talk to her anymore.
I just live my life by the golden rule. Treat others as you want to be treated. She doesn't and it's not right on any level.
And, this is my one child who speaks so disrespectful to me. Dh doesn't like her for this very reason. I no longer make excuses for her. The last 2 things I texted DD28 back was if I didn't love her, nine of this would bother me, but you just dont do this to people you love and lastly that if she wants to get together, she can contact ME. I won't be holding my breath.
What bothers me most is she "led me on" making me believe she was available and could probably get together. That's what I really take issue with...and he fact that she'd "let me know" and then never did.
Dh at first asked me why I just didn't "let it go" as I know works best for her and when I told him, he fully supported what I'd done. It was nice to hear, but that's what I love about dh. He WILL speak up when an injustice has been done or he feels something isn't right. I do as well but have been treating DD28 with kid gloves the last free years. I know I won't hear from her now for a while and I'm ok with that, but as I told dh last night, if I don't contact HER around the holidays, then she'll lay the blame on me. She only stops in at our house at the holidays out of obligation anyway, and now that DD24 isn't here anymore, I probably won't even see her.
I talked to my older sister yesterday who lives 4 hours away and she invited dh and me for Thanksgiving, I told dh I'm going and hope he gors, too. We see HIS extended family every holiday, so this year, with my other 3 not coming home, I need to spend it with MY family. We'very had this conversation before about how HIS kids have nowhere else to go, but, these "kids"are adults and can find somewhere else to go. My kids have spent many holidays not woth their families. Tome for dh's kids to figure it out. SS32 of course will be coming home to see his son as he does every holiday now, so has to stay at our house. His kids have to understand that sometimes their father has to put his wife first as I did HIM this year by going where HE wanted to go on vacation instead of going to see my kids.
Anyway, I have no regrets as to what I did with DD28. I just told her what is right and what is wrong and spoke for the entire family. She's made it perfectly clear that her friends come before family and we just aren't a priority.
I tried really hard to "let it go", but just needed to speak up, so just sent her a simple text yesterday that after being "blown ofd" twice in one week was enough and I give up. In her usual fashion, she texted me back telling me to "calm down" "get a life" and that she has a busy life. There was kore, but they were just more of her usual excuses for blowing me off...her friends decided they wanted to go out to dinner, her phone died...blah, blah, blah...She told me not to t"take it personally " and not be hurt. I am not hurt...hot over that a long time ago with this "child". It's her lack of consideration for others that I called her out on. She does this to everyone (except probably her friends). She caused so much drama and frustration before DD30's wedding last year that DD30 was about ready to kick her out of her wedding party.
We all understand that this is the way she is, but we don't know why she does it. We're her family. She knows we love her yet she doesn't always respond to us and the only time I hear from her is when she needs something. Ugh My other daughters don’t even talk to her anymore.
I just live my life by the golden rule. Treat others as you want to be treated. She doesn't and it's not right on any level.
And, this is my one child who speaks so disrespectful to me. Dh doesn't like her for this very reason. I no longer make excuses for her. The last 2 things I texted DD28 back was if I didn't love her, nine of this would bother me, but you just dont do this to people you love and lastly that if she wants to get together, she can contact ME. I won't be holding my breath.
What bothers me most is she "led me on" making me believe she was available and could probably get together. That's what I really take issue with...and he fact that she'd "let me know" and then never did.
Dh at first asked me why I just didn't "let it go" as I know works best for her and when I told him, he fully supported what I'd done. It was nice to hear, but that's what I love about dh. He WILL speak up when an injustice has been done or he feels something isn't right. I do as well but have been treating DD28 with kid gloves the last free years. I know I won't hear from her now for a while and I'm ok with that, but as I told dh last night, if I don't contact HER around the holidays, then she'll lay the blame on me. She only stops in at our house at the holidays out of obligation anyway, and now that DD24 isn't here anymore, I probably won't even see her.
I talked to my older sister yesterday who lives 4 hours away and she invited dh and me for Thanksgiving, I told dh I'm going and hope he gors, too. We see HIS extended family every holiday, so this year, with my other 3 not coming home, I need to spend it with MY family. We'very had this conversation before about how HIS kids have nowhere else to go, but, these "kids"are adults and can find somewhere else to go. My kids have spent many holidays not woth their families. Tome for dh's kids to figure it out. SS32 of course will be coming home to see his son as he does every holiday now, so has to stay at our house. His kids have to understand that sometimes their father has to put his wife first as I did HIM this year by going where HE wanted to go on vacation instead of going to see my kids.
Anyway, I have no regrets as to what I did with DD28. I just told her what is right and what is wrong and spoke for the entire family. She's made it perfectly clear that her friends come before family and we just aren't a priority.
Replies
Why do the same thing over and over when the result is the same? Why is it so hard to stop getting into the same or almost the same situation? Why say I\'ve \"learned to let it go\" and yet not actually? Is it because of not understanding why someone doesn\'t play by the golden rule or just plain make sense? That question of why others do things that are rude and hurtful (even if one sometimes isn\'t hurt, one still recognizes rudeness) perhaps keeps the mind occupied, which is better than meditating, taking a walk, figuring out an insurance policy or some other boring or bland task? Is life full of blandness except for the psychological dramas? Are people who don\'t think about personal dramas a lot robbing themselves of interesting lives or just incapable of feeling things? Is there no way to become so interested and absorbed in projects or subjects that don\'t involve psycho-dramas that we even forget to wonder how some family members can be so rude or thoughtless? Is it all too easy to sit and stew? Is it possible to think that the variety or spectrum of human ways to deal with life\'s complexity is so huge that it actually doesn\'t have to make a huge difference that some people like much less connectedness to others than others and some people experience being invited even to have coffee or talk on the phone as a difficult task? Is it possible that the world is so frightening to many people that just to do what is required to stay afloat can be overwhelming and they just need to be accepted for who they are?
I am in total support of your decision to call your daughter out on her bad behavior!! There is NO excuse for her not at least contacting you out of simple consideration. Just basic human respect for another human being. So good for you I say.
I am however sorry that it has yet again come to this with her. I know how badly it makes you feel. I hope that a little \"no contact\" will help her realize the importance of family...but as you said, it has happened before. The fact that she is putting friends in front of you....is just wrong. As I said, a simple phone call would have taken but a moment and is certainly not too much to expect.
I am so glad that you will be with YOUR family this Thanksgiving since it is your turn to have a holiday with your family. I pray that Dh will see this too, and will agree to go with you instead of hosting his boys AGAIN as you always seem to do.
Happy to hear that you are taking a stand...and I do hope things will come around for you soon!
Thanks for the support, my dear friend! I feel good about standing up and \"calling her out\" on her bad behavior. She told me not to be hurt by it. I\'m not. I just think her behavior is appalling...and I wouldn\'t care if it was a complete stranger she did it to. It\'s wrong...just plain wrong to do that to a person. Like you said...basic human respect for another human being. Plain and simple.