Letter to Nick: General Update
Hi Fred: I have not meant to ignore you. But then, I never promised that as my journal you would get a lot of attention. Tonight I feel another letter to Nick would be good. So, you can read along too. Thank you, Fred
Dear Nick:
I made it through the 28th but only with lots of tears. I know you would be sad to know that I still cry and miss you so very much. I miss your jokes. I miss all the times we would toss puns back & forth. I miss how we would both say the same thing exactly at the same time. I keep waiting for God or the Cosmos or what ever power there may be to wake up & realize that your death was all a huge mistake and that it needs to be fixed at once. Well, enough of that I suppose. Just know I miss and love you. On to other things now.
I have made a few changes in the past 6 months. The deck is now stained and ready for winter. We have a new front door. John & Tom installed it. They discovered that Jack Flyn's builders had failed to put in the needed insulation in the hollow areas of the door frame. That problem has been fixed. Also, the new door fits the new door frame. John & Tom made a few inspired adjustments and the frame also fits the opening for the door. In honor of the new door I also bought a new door mat. The other one was here in 1990. It was time it retired.
Wagner has been sold. Steve did not buy him. He went to a lady in the Pocatello area. She sounds like she would take good care of him. It was really hard seeing him drive away. It was losing another part of you and our life together. One of the ladies on line reminded me that the car may be gone but the memories would still be with me. Tom handled the advertising, test driving etc for me and made this a much easier emotional experience than it would have been otherwise.
Another change is that I have started seeing a Grief Counselor today. I never thought I woul pay someone $95.00 to get someone to listen to me for an hour. I have tried talking with 2 Social Workers while I was hunting for a Grief Support Group. There wasn't any for months. Now that I have started seeing a Counselor , a group called Grief Share is starting tomorrow night. It is hosted by one of the churches in our area. I'll see what it is like.
I do know I need some assistance in accepting that you are gone. I need some coping mechanisms to handle the hollow pain I feel nearly all of the time. I need help in wanting to actually live . You loved life and lived every day. I feel guilty about not enjoying the gift of life I still have while yours was taken from you.
I need help in handling the memories of what the cancer did to you. I need help in managing the anger I feel towards Dr. Pertulla and Dr Stephenson. One misdiagnosed you. The other failed to do the follow-up care you needed. You were so forgiving of them both. I just cannot do that. I hate the fact that their lack of attention probably cost you your life. I get so angry thinking of how brave you were through all four surgeries and how you adapted to wearing an ostomy bag. You were brave and valiant. Both of these doctors are wealthy with families and complete bodies. Their negligence took everything you had. It seems so wrong for you to be dead and they are just going on with their grand lives like nothing has happened at all. I know this won't change so I must learn to handle this anger so it will not destroy me.
The trip to Salt Lake was really good. Lahni is a fun woman to spend time with. We found good things at Ikea and loaded her poor little Volkswagon Bug (convertible) until it was overflowing.
I think I will try going to bed and perhaps to sleep. Last night (or this morning) I went to sleep around 4:00 A.M. I know I need to do better than this. I know this letter didn't really say much. It rather just rambled on. I just needed to write to you because I am really missing you and needed in someway to feel connected with you again for just a little while. I so wish you were still able to sit on the sofa beside me and hold my hand while we watched telly. I wish I could still bring you your first cup of coffee before you get out of bed. I wish you could still read me a bed time story before we went to sleep.
I can wish and cry all night but the above just isn't going to happen. So, wherever you are: Good night sweetheart. I love you.
Darlene
Dear Nick:
I made it through the 28th but only with lots of tears. I know you would be sad to know that I still cry and miss you so very much. I miss your jokes. I miss all the times we would toss puns back & forth. I miss how we would both say the same thing exactly at the same time. I keep waiting for God or the Cosmos or what ever power there may be to wake up & realize that your death was all a huge mistake and that it needs to be fixed at once. Well, enough of that I suppose. Just know I miss and love you. On to other things now.
I have made a few changes in the past 6 months. The deck is now stained and ready for winter. We have a new front door. John & Tom installed it. They discovered that Jack Flyn's builders had failed to put in the needed insulation in the hollow areas of the door frame. That problem has been fixed. Also, the new door fits the new door frame. John & Tom made a few inspired adjustments and the frame also fits the opening for the door. In honor of the new door I also bought a new door mat. The other one was here in 1990. It was time it retired.
Wagner has been sold. Steve did not buy him. He went to a lady in the Pocatello area. She sounds like she would take good care of him. It was really hard seeing him drive away. It was losing another part of you and our life together. One of the ladies on line reminded me that the car may be gone but the memories would still be with me. Tom handled the advertising, test driving etc for me and made this a much easier emotional experience than it would have been otherwise.
Another change is that I have started seeing a Grief Counselor today. I never thought I woul pay someone $95.00 to get someone to listen to me for an hour. I have tried talking with 2 Social Workers while I was hunting for a Grief Support Group. There wasn't any for months. Now that I have started seeing a Counselor , a group called Grief Share is starting tomorrow night. It is hosted by one of the churches in our area. I'll see what it is like.
I do know I need some assistance in accepting that you are gone. I need some coping mechanisms to handle the hollow pain I feel nearly all of the time. I need help in wanting to actually live . You loved life and lived every day. I feel guilty about not enjoying the gift of life I still have while yours was taken from you.
I need help in handling the memories of what the cancer did to you. I need help in managing the anger I feel towards Dr. Pertulla and Dr Stephenson. One misdiagnosed you. The other failed to do the follow-up care you needed. You were so forgiving of them both. I just cannot do that. I hate the fact that their lack of attention probably cost you your life. I get so angry thinking of how brave you were through all four surgeries and how you adapted to wearing an ostomy bag. You were brave and valiant. Both of these doctors are wealthy with families and complete bodies. Their negligence took everything you had. It seems so wrong for you to be dead and they are just going on with their grand lives like nothing has happened at all. I know this won't change so I must learn to handle this anger so it will not destroy me.
The trip to Salt Lake was really good. Lahni is a fun woman to spend time with. We found good things at Ikea and loaded her poor little Volkswagon Bug (convertible) until it was overflowing.
I think I will try going to bed and perhaps to sleep. Last night (or this morning) I went to sleep around 4:00 A.M. I know I need to do better than this. I know this letter didn't really say much. It rather just rambled on. I just needed to write to you because I am really missing you and needed in someway to feel connected with you again for just a little while. I so wish you were still able to sit on the sofa beside me and hold my hand while we watched telly. I wish I could still bring you your first cup of coffee before you get out of bed. I wish you could still read me a bed time story before we went to sleep.
I can wish and cry all night but the above just isn't going to happen. So, wherever you are: Good night sweetheart. I love you.
Darlene
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