Letter to my abuser

 Here is another atempt at writing an emotional letter to my abuser. I'm trying very hard to feel feelings.I heard a song today from a band called Apocalyptica. The song was called, "I am not Jesus", and it is about being sexually abused by a church member as a child. It had a lot of passion and feeling behind it. I just cant seem to "dig" deep enough.    Shame, secrecy, despair, fear, loneliness.Destruction, broken, shattered, tossed aside. Run, hide, lie, avoid, pretend.  This is the internal turmoil of a six year old boy. Me. With one disgusting act of cruelty you brought all of this chaos down on me. Do you even remember who I am? Do you look back with regret? Do you look back with fondness? Does my face haunt your nightmares? Does my face become hidden by others that you may have brought this on? Can demons have nightmares? You are a monster, a retched soul without the courage to face someone your own size. You prey on children you despicable vulture. Of all of the things that you did to me, the things that haunt my memories and mar my soul, at least I don’t have to bear the memories that you have. The memories of the things that you have done are a torment that you earned, and I hope that you are truly tormented by them. I did nothing to “earn” my torment, but tormented I am. I don’t want to write this letter. I would rather avoid it, and pretend that my life is good. I would rather hide and keep everything a secret, for I almost cannot bear the shame of what you did to me. I’d rather be lonely than face the fear of showing people the real me. These feelings and tendencies that started that day, still control my life you son of a bitch!!! Why did you have to do it? WHY??!!! What on earth could make you think about doing that to a child??!!  You do not have my forgiveness. Don’t even ask. I would like to see you behind bars, or to spit on your grave. You deserve exactly the same amount of mercy that you showed me.