Letter to abuser
I sat down and wrote this today to J. (J = abuser)
"In my heart, when I let go of all the pretenses and other things I have to portray as a result of what happened- I just want you to say sorry. That’s all the fuck I want. I just don’t understand how you could not be sorry for what you did. I have no idea how you just say you're sorry you “crossed the line with me” and think that I would take it any differently than the way I took it. Even after that- even when I explained to you how I took it- if you cared AT ALL, if you EVER cared- you would have addressed what I said. When you care about someone you care how they feel- even if it doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how you can’t acknowledge that. I don’t get it. I don’t get you or people like you. This is a HUGE burden on me. This has been HORRIBLE for me. I don’t fucking get it J. I say out loud that I’m not meant to understand- that you’re a sociopath and I’m sane and that’s all I’m meant to understand. But I swear I just want to know why. Why man, why? How could you fucking do this to me? I loved you SO much. I DID EVERYTHING A WOMAN COULD DO FOR YOU. Everything. Why did you fucking do this? I did nothing wrong man. Nothing at all. It’s just not fucking fair."
He texted me this weekend and asked if I wanted to go into business with him. It was more of a venture than an actual business. He's a therapist and he needs someone in my profession to help him out- he can't legally do it without me or someone in my profession. He texted me to call him. My heart stopped. I called. It was an emotionless convo on my part. I answered everything with a one word answer. I hate that he has the balls to contact me after the way he did me. I truly fucking hate him. I guess that's how I know I'm not truly over what happened between us. I still hate him for what he did to me. I don't know if I still love him. I've always believed the statement there's a thin line between love and hate. My hatred for what he did to me is still fueling the fire. Even when I think its over it keeps coming back.
I said at first I'd do it. It's a really good financial opportunity. At the time I was in shock. I went home and binged. Woke up crying and I texted him that I wasn't going to do it. I thanked him for considering me and I said after thinking it over, due to our past, i think it would be better if he found someone else to work with. I apologized for any inconvenience this might have caused. Of course he texted me back that he understood and that he thought it might be an issue but that he "knew I would weight it out" and make the right decision. Fucking liar. Fuck you u fucking liar. The last time we spoke he fucking threatened to beat me and repeatedly said things like "that's how YOU see it" (emphasis on the YOU) when speaking of my emotions. Of course it is- u fuck- you're talking to ME!!! Whose opinion did you think you were going to get? I swear man if they weren't living on this earth at the same time I would think he was my father in a past life. My father does the same shit. The first thing he does when people talk about how they feel is tell them they are wrong and say things like "I don't know about that" as if the person he's speaking to is lying. Mind you- this happens EVERY TIME, without fail. So either everyone he's speaking to is a fucking idiot OR he is a mean abusive drunk- me thinks its the latter!
I don't care to go into this anymore- but the story will continue later. To be continued....
"In my heart, when I let go of all the pretenses and other things I have to portray as a result of what happened- I just want you to say sorry. That’s all the fuck I want. I just don’t understand how you could not be sorry for what you did. I have no idea how you just say you're sorry you “crossed the line with me” and think that I would take it any differently than the way I took it. Even after that- even when I explained to you how I took it- if you cared AT ALL, if you EVER cared- you would have addressed what I said. When you care about someone you care how they feel- even if it doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how you can’t acknowledge that. I don’t get it. I don’t get you or people like you. This is a HUGE burden on me. This has been HORRIBLE for me. I don’t fucking get it J. I say out loud that I’m not meant to understand- that you’re a sociopath and I’m sane and that’s all I’m meant to understand. But I swear I just want to know why. Why man, why? How could you fucking do this to me? I loved you SO much. I DID EVERYTHING A WOMAN COULD DO FOR YOU. Everything. Why did you fucking do this? I did nothing wrong man. Nothing at all. It’s just not fucking fair."
He texted me this weekend and asked if I wanted to go into business with him. It was more of a venture than an actual business. He's a therapist and he needs someone in my profession to help him out- he can't legally do it without me or someone in my profession. He texted me to call him. My heart stopped. I called. It was an emotionless convo on my part. I answered everything with a one word answer. I hate that he has the balls to contact me after the way he did me. I truly fucking hate him. I guess that's how I know I'm not truly over what happened between us. I still hate him for what he did to me. I don't know if I still love him. I've always believed the statement there's a thin line between love and hate. My hatred for what he did to me is still fueling the fire. Even when I think its over it keeps coming back.
I said at first I'd do it. It's a really good financial opportunity. At the time I was in shock. I went home and binged. Woke up crying and I texted him that I wasn't going to do it. I thanked him for considering me and I said after thinking it over, due to our past, i think it would be better if he found someone else to work with. I apologized for any inconvenience this might have caused. Of course he texted me back that he understood and that he thought it might be an issue but that he "knew I would weight it out" and make the right decision. Fucking liar. Fuck you u fucking liar. The last time we spoke he fucking threatened to beat me and repeatedly said things like "that's how YOU see it" (emphasis on the YOU) when speaking of my emotions. Of course it is- u fuck- you're talking to ME!!! Whose opinion did you think you were going to get? I swear man if they weren't living on this earth at the same time I would think he was my father in a past life. My father does the same shit. The first thing he does when people talk about how they feel is tell them they are wrong and say things like "I don't know about that" as if the person he's speaking to is lying. Mind you- this happens EVERY TIME, without fail. So either everyone he's speaking to is a fucking idiot OR he is a mean abusive drunk- me thinks its the latter!
I don't care to go into this anymore- but the story will continue later. To be continued....
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