Letter to mom

I hate to write this letter because everytime i think of you  get angry, Everytime I think of you i think of how skrewed up I am because I let you get to me.Everytime I think of you I feel like I'm suffocating. What you did is un forgiveable,Ive tried to forgive you but I cant, Ive tried to have a relationship I thought you would change but I was all wrong, I remember the first few years when tou were a "Mom" you were loving you read stories to me at night ,you cuddled with me and held me at night. then it all stopped like ,you stopped being you and turned into this person I grew to hate, you started hitting more, yelling more getting phychotic, and letting men do horriable things to me.I use to stay up at night hoping and praying I would not wake up the next morning, You turned me it to this idiot that cant get over her past and I swear to God I am fucking sick of it im sick of looking in the damn mirror and seeing this damaged scarred up girl, IM NOT THAT GIRL. i dont want to be her anymore.Im tired....Tired of being angry with you, tired of being furous when I talk about you, Im just tired.You hurt me so bad that words cant describe how bad i feel i feel like i have someone missing from me a hole in my spirit . When I think of you a part of me dies because I knw how u once were,and i know who you can be.You turned into this psychoctic ,two faced habitual lier that i cant recognize anymore,I hate the guilt that i feel when i start to feel the bad things I feel when i think of you, I feel like a bad daughter,because I dont like who you have become.Who hates their mom? I guess I dont really hate you, I just hate your actions,I hate that yousell yourself, I hate that you le your boyfriend control you and you have to ask permission to see me, I hate your low confidence, I hate you pretend to love me, and beliee me I know you do, I can read right through you and anybody else, i see your prioritees and i never had been one of them.this time of yea skrewes me up pretty bad ,it makes me want to drink more, becase I cant take another memory I just cant ,I feel everything and I cant stand it,I see you, I feel them, I smell your vannila feild perfume I smell his cigars i really dont know how to end this except ask you to change, but I know I cant fix thi ,I wish I could,I mis you, but I cant change the unchangeable