Letter
So I wanted to give a quick update. I wrote my mother a letter using mostly "I" messages. I explained to her that I do not have the resources now after my son has passed to deal with her unkind remarks, complaints about Joshua & Christina & how no one pays enough attention to her etc. I explained that my mental health and stress level cannot be challenged any more and tried to encourage her to imagine what my life without my son feels like. I explained that for the time being I will not be visiting,taking phone calls or responding to letters from her as I need a break.
I asked her to respect my need for space.
I do not have any illusions or even hope that my mother will hear what I've said or respect my need for a break and time and space to heal. I suspect she will be angry and leave many ugly messages with her in the role of victim and me in the role of villain. So be it. I am drained and tired and cannot tolerate her cruelty anymore. I just want to mourn my sweet son in peace and hope to heal one day.
My brother and SIL are bracing for her screaming phone calls about how she is cursed with an ungrateful daughter. He knows how she is because he lived the same childhood although he agrees that I was the child she usually targeted. The one "good" thing that has come of this is that my brother has been helpful and validated what I've gone through with her. He lives out of state so has little interaction with her, but knows how she behaves.
I wish you all peace and healing. Love to all.
I asked her to respect my need for space.
I do not have any illusions or even hope that my mother will hear what I've said or respect my need for a break and time and space to heal. I suspect she will be angry and leave many ugly messages with her in the role of victim and me in the role of villain. So be it. I am drained and tired and cannot tolerate her cruelty anymore. I just want to mourn my sweet son in peace and hope to heal one day.
My brother and SIL are bracing for her screaming phone calls about how she is cursed with an ungrateful daughter. He knows how she is because he lived the same childhood although he agrees that I was the child she usually targeted. The one "good" thing that has come of this is that my brother has been helpful and validated what I've gone through with her. He lives out of state so has little interaction with her, but knows how she behaves.
I wish you all peace and healing. Love to all.
Replies
Thanks for sharing. I agree your Mom will not see the forest for the trees. She will see herself as the victim. I am amazed at how people react to our loss. I actually have a sister that told me the reason I was depressed was because I take something to sleep. I stood there and took it and just cried instead of saying \"are you crazy, you still have both of your daughters and you don\'t have a clue.\" We lost our Mom this year and all during the time Mom was sick, that sister wasn\'t any help. She is the one that talks church all the time. I have decided that I don\'t need any more of her \"so called help\" and really I just want her to leave me alone. I wish you the best. Much love and kindness being sent to you.
Nell in Georgia
Dear Linda, what else could you do that would be honest AND help you to preserve your sanity!?! good grief. While it may be unlikely that there will be a satisfactory outcome, you have to detach as in Al-anon, and do only YOUR work, and live YOUR life. I\'m sorry each has to find her own way and the chances are nihil that she will ever enter a 12-step for codependence! Ha can you imagine that? The WORK? Sort of fun to imagine but again, we have to do what we can do and be who we can be and love and give etc., without attachment to outcome. I just couldn\'t help myself there for a sec.
: D Much love, Sarah
Linda, I know what it was like to have a mother that seems to target her ugliness, hatetred, ignorance, well all of it. she dispised me and treated me as such. I was her punching bag for many yrs not just emotionally, physically too. I never could understand why. I still do not. But you did something I never did and you are standing up to her for yourself and I, who has walked in your shoes, knows how hard it is to find your back bone d to stand up to her. for that I give you coodoes. The only time I stood up to my mom was when she was attacking my older sister verbally. I wish I had your strength and back bone. I hope you will find your strength to continue to walk down this path. I know your son will be right there giving the strength you need. Take care hugs Tammie
Oh Linda, it took not only courage to write your letter to your mom, but strength to follow it through. I only pray that it will cause her to realize what exactly you are going through pray that she will honor your requests. It is important that you take care of you right now.....and I think you are doing just that! Hugs & prayers for you my friend.......Love, Kim
Stand your ground, Linda. My niece and my sister have played that game with me, trying to cast me as villain, despite their own reprehensible behavior. They seem baffled by the way I\'ve seen through it and refused to see them as victims.
When Dad grew old and sick, and suffered from dementia, they washed their hands of any responsibility for him, and told me point-blank that he was entirely my responsibility despite my being very ill. Now they want me to feel obligated toward them, which I find ludicrous.