Letter
So I wanted to give a quick update. I wrote my mother a letter using mostly "I" messages. I explained to her that I do not have the resources now after my son has passed to deal with her unkind remarks, complaints about Joshua & Christina & how no one pays enough attention to her etc. I explained that my mental health and stress level cannot be challenged any more and tried to encourage her to imagine what my life without my son feels like. I explained that for the time being I will not be visiting,taking phone calls or responding to letters from her as I need a break.
I asked her to respect my need for space.
I do not have any illusions or even hope that my mother will hear what I've said or respect my need for a break and time and space to heal. I suspect she will be angry and leave many ugly messages with her in the role of victim and me in the role of villain. So be it. I am drained and tired and cannot tolerate her cruelty anymore. I just want to mourn my sweet son in peace and hope to heal one day.
My brother and SIL are bracing for her screaming phone calls about how she is cursed with an ungrateful daughter. He knows how she is because he lived the same childhood although he agrees that I was the child she usually targeted. The one "good" thing that has come of this is that my brother has been helpful and validated what I've gone through with her. He lives out of state so has little interaction with her, but knows how she behaves.
I wish you all peace and healing. Love to all.
I asked her to respect my need for space.
I do not have any illusions or even hope that my mother will hear what I've said or respect my need for a break and time and space to heal. I suspect she will be angry and leave many ugly messages with her in the role of victim and me in the role of villain. So be it. I am drained and tired and cannot tolerate her cruelty anymore. I just want to mourn my sweet son in peace and hope to heal one day.
My brother and SIL are bracing for her screaming phone calls about how she is cursed with an ungrateful daughter. He knows how she is because he lived the same childhood although he agrees that I was the child she usually targeted. The one "good" thing that has come of this is that my brother has been helpful and validated what I've gone through with her. He lives out of state so has little interaction with her, but knows how she behaves.
I wish you all peace and healing. Love to all.
Replies
Oh sweet Linda ~
I have only the utmost admiration, respect and awe that you are the amazing woman you are with all you have had to endure from your relationship with your mother all these years. You have expressed enormous moral courage by trying to explain your feelings to your mother.
I am glad you have the courage to take care of yourself and that your understanding brother has your back.
Take care dear one.
Sending much love and the biggest New Year\'s hugs to you and Eddie ~ Debbie
I too have the same struggles with my mother. I know how draining it can be.
I hope your mother finally \'gets\' it. But from what you said, that is not likely. I am so happy to hear that you are caring for yourself. Be kind to yourself no matter what. You are worth it!
I wish you a calm, peaceful and loving new year.
Love and Hugs, Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
I am so proud of you.. what strength and courage it took to tackle this problem and tell her you cannot deal with her abuse any longer..
I agree she will turn it so the blame is all on you but don\'t feed into her
Hugs to you..
MaryLou
Very proud of you for sending her the letter, I did the same thing a few years ago with my mother, and I use the term loosely. When she wrote to me after Jeremy died all she could say is that she wished I\'d let her spend more time with him, she never once visited us. I can say that I am much happier without her in my life, I fought for so long to get close to her and she resisted, so I moved on. Love to you, Angela
I hope that you feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. As the others have mentioned it takes courage to do what you have done yet you must take care of you. Envision cutting those silvery blue cords one by one and sending her back love and light. This is such a courageous thing to do when we would rather be sending back other things yet it so healing. I will always thank my dear friend, Eveyln, who taught me how to do this. When everyone steps away hopefully, your mother will begin to look at her issues yet if she chooses not to that is not your problem. Only healing YOU is and that is what your letter symbolizes. You go Linda and I have your back 100%. Much love, Joanie
I hope it works.....moms!!
I understand your needs all too well. I hope in time your mother will realize what a truly wonderful daughter she has. Love, peace and comfort to you my dear friend. Roselle
I am glad that you are choosing to take care of yourself. Abuse from anyone is exhausting and harmful..with her mental health as it is...with her already being beligerant...I doubt it will change with this news...so good for you. I feel a time of healing is coming for you...and I admire your strength to make this difficult choice. I feel better already...for you! :) Love and hugs...Karen
I see your mom retaliating somehow. How could she not? It\'s who she is:( I hope you can stay strong and keep looking out for yourself. You deserve this time to mourn your precious Eddie. Be courageous mother lion, that you may protect yourself and your sweet cub. Love and hugs to you both. Danette
Dearest Linda, I can\'t imagine how hard this was, but necessary. I am so proud of you for taking this much needed step. You are so right, you deserve the time and space to grieve your precious Eddie. I am just sorry that your mom of all people has put in this position to have to make this choice. Continue to take care of yourself, this is what Eddie would want. Remember we are all here to offer you strength during this difficult time,but most importantly,Eddie is right by his Mama giving you strength, With Much Love, Charlene
When I read about your mom, I could relate so well! I hate to be an arm chair psychologist, but this seems to be a case of a narcissistic personality. Believe me when she was alive, I tried so hard to understand her and to feel acceptance from her. There were moments, but rare. Usually after a particularly abusive incident. I wish I had had the courage to write as you did about needing a break. I was not in grief, but I did need distance.
You did the right thing. \"We all love our mothers, even those of us who hate our mothers\" (a classic line from \"French Kiss\"!) A lot of truth in that.
Take care and blessings for the New Year!
Soos
Well, I\'m a mother, too. Sometimes very ego-centric. Your mom is lacking in empathy, and this isn\'t going to change. Taking care of yourself is the right thing to do. She cannot help you, you cannot change her. It\'s sad, but being strong and keeping your boundaries, you become a good example to others in your life. I\'m very sorry she isn\'t the support you need. I have a daughter like this. Nothing to be done, protect yourself, love, abby
Dear Linda, you showed great strength in putting together that communication to your mother.the one thing this terrible journey has taught me is that I have to take care of myself and that those that are unkind or can\'t get with the program just have to be let off my radar. I no longer have much to do with certain family members who I used to be really close to before Mark was killed. I don\'t have the energy and I don\'t want to deal with them. I hope your mother respects your wishes. Sandi
Best of luck friend. I know how difficult this must be and I hope it will be a burden lifted for you. I no longer answer the phone when my mother calls. I have my hubby check on her to make sure she is safe and not \"without\" but it feels so much better not having the negative energy she possesses in my space anymore. I hope you take this time and grieve every ounce you need and to replenish your spirit with hope and love from those who want the same for you. Love to you. Robin