lethargy, confusion and reasonability

I am the only one who can answer this for myself. I go to work, I work hard and then come home and right now, as I have been thinking about this, I don't know where to place my energy or what to manifest. Just keeping pushing forward.

Fight forward. It seems the only thing that seems the thing to do. I have been going kind of big picture - wondering what message or art I will leave behind, what legacy or story do I have to tell. Thinking a lot about my mortality lately too. I couldn't find my mojo for anything today and it seemed like with age I am slowing down -but the idea of fighting seems to be energizing. I admire those who have a mission and a passion and commitment to their expression or business. They seem to have a great sense of belief and suredness about what they are doing. 

Keep fighting forward is all I keep telling myself - though the vision for what I am creating besides a managed life doesn't really extend more beyond that.

I am ok. I just have a hard time accepting that my life is maybe just not a very special or consequential life - a shadow on the outskirts of the mainstream or notable ... not really meant to relay much truth or beauty - though beauty is seen by me and appreciated big time - I just don't have anyone to share those thoughts with - - and the poetry writing alludes me when I come home solo, living the life outside of the popular, media, archetypes, icons and stereotypes. Perhaps it's all that is whispering to me about my observations for life that creativity won't come to me happy, contented and comfortable but perhaps with fight and pain it probably will.

I have wonderful friends and family, and gratitude is so important and peacemaking. I guess I should just chill-ax.

Whenever I come to a point of accepting my vector in life - I seem to balk at it's reality.. it seems like such bullshit -

but perhaps we just need to fight forward even still.

I am sorry folks. I must seem like such a f-tard. I am no better than anyone else.