Let's start again - pages, new chapters..
Feeling better, right now. This morning, afternoon, not so much. Ups and downs. getting used to this new norm, until one day.. something happens?...
I am so flakey.. cannot rest my heart on one idea only. Changing all the time, one day I like a certain idea so much that it gives me a buzz just thinking about it before it even materialise.. next, I find myself wondering what on earth was I thinking and how can I possibly be fascinated with someone/something so deeply... when all facts and cues indicate it is a receipe for disaster... and the idea no longer works or give me the old buzz...
But over the last few months of lockdown, diving deep into my own soul, trying to understand why am I so different from my sibilings, my cousines, even friends who get on well with me don't have the same strange imagination that I have, most people (99%) of people I know are realistic and can stop the daft ideas in their own track before they ruin their own lives and waste years and years of living a bad experience.. because they have more control over themselves... I realised this year, 2020, of all the strange things said about this year, one good thing I know now, that I am a very unrealistic person living in an imaginary world and made decisions based on a lot of wishful and imaginary thinking.. led by my heart most of the time, brain have lived in hibernation most of my life. sadly. Now at the age of almost 45, so soon, I find myself with zero achievments. sad.
I am writing this and I am feeling good, the sad thing is I am just happy I FINALLY discovered who I am/was... so, maybe now that I know the basis of my failure, maybe just maybe I can recreate myself and decide different things based on a more realistic approach in the future ? maybe there is still hope for me??
I have to be optimistic, I cannot afford to be pessimistic anymore. If I dont find my pessmistic tendancies then I might as well just poison myself and die today!... Only way i can make someone, just one something I am proud of in the future, is by changing into a more positive person. It won't be easy, but it's worth trying.
I cried in my sleep last night. I hate that when it happens. I can cry so much before I finally wake up and realise it is just a dream... or nightmare.. whatever... but they do say it is your subconscious trying to deal with unfinished business, or grieving. whatever it means, I don't like it. I prefer happy dreams that make me wake up with a smile, and that wasn't one.
Hopefully tonight I sleep better. One day at a time... a healing heart needs time.. especially my heart, damn.. the kicks and bruises are all still oozing and very sore. will need to give myself a lot of time.
Replies
I read this after I sent the message. I didn't realize you'd posted a journal then.
Can I ask two questions?
Where are you living?
Are you working?
A lot of this seems positive but don't turn away the negative thoughts.. befriend them. Chat to them . Tackle them
Hi Flashreturns, I live in London..
at the moment I am not working.. was going through a career transition when I ended up in a complicated relationship(marrige) which really pulled me away from my plans. not blaming anyone, but I lost my focus and now find myself starting again.
I am not avoiding the negative thoughts, not anymore. used to hide my head, all my life, head in the sand to avoid the tough questions and problems. now not so much, gradually realizing who i am and why i am so f***ed up tbh. but it is complicated, you try to deal with the negative thoughts and sometimes it is productive and it helps. other times it can lead to resentment and anger and disappointment in yourself and people who didn't help and sometimes caused your pain.
I am just happy to realise how my over active imagination have mislead me before. Building castles in the sky... if i can just get over that I think at least I can avoid of repeating some disasters I willingly landed myself in in the past.
I would still recommend that book or any book by anthony de mello. Awareness is one . You can get it free online.
Basically I think you are viewing the life the wrong way round..we all are. We are all fine . It's just the shit we think we should have or should have done that upsets us . We don't need anything added to.
I'm glad you are back here.. I'm back in school tomorrow. So busy next few days but keep in touch !
Great to have you back!
Nothing I said above takes away from what you said. You sound happier and heading in the right direction
Thank you flashreturn, nice to be back, really enjoyed sharing and talking to you about it. Honestly it is great to connect with people who get it!! even though we all know everyone else has problems and inner battles but they may just hide it well and display a strong facade, but sometimes in my real world, it feels to me as if everyone has got it together and I am the only one who is struggling to survive and just float, let alone swim against the tide.
And you are spot on. we all have everything we need. gratefulness and appreciation are key to happiness, easier said than done when you've spent a lifetime wishing everything which you don't have. I am very guilty of that. Never appreciated anything I had and took all for granted, while looking outside and counting the missing blessings instead.
starting to change that, among the many other things that need changing...
And Good luck with the new schooling year. Be happy, stay strong, and keep your head high with the biggest smile you can afford, or no smile if you don't feel like it, I smile but sometimes I really cannot be bothered even if I am happy, i just need to relax my face and stop smiling. If the world understands I am just a human, then fine, if they don't, it's their problem not yours, remember that.