Let's see...random things....

Tomorrow is a new day. I keep holding onto that, because I thought the same thing yesterday and I didn't wake up any easier today than I thought I would. It just gets harder, but I know people say it gets easier. Not that you need a backstory, whoever is reading this, but I am fairly new here and just want to say thanks for reading this little intro about me! Also, a huge huge huge thank you to whoever reaches out to me- I'm not in a state to really post reliable, helpful advice on here all the time but I am quite lonely so...any form of communication is appreciated.

I've had several major challenges in my life, but honestly the worst by far was caused by my ex. I actually work at a dv office now, which is when I truly realized the extent of how bad he was hurting me. It's funny how we can be so blind to the things other people can see. I haven't had any physical contact with him since april, yet back in august he messaged me wanting to talk. It's like he still thinks I'll be there. That's when it gets hard for me. I don't have any friends, none. I always chose the guy over my friends, and it obviously didn't work out well. So here I am, with a message from someone who hurt me, more ways than one, and I talk to him, because he's all I have. The conversation made me want him back, and eventually he went away, like he's done before, and I'm left all alone with no friends or support for what just happened.

Shortly after that, I did end up seeing a guy for a brief amount of time. I invited him to my ex-bestfriend's wedding, then ending up breaking up with him a week before the wedding. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. He slowly stopped talking to me, and a few days ago I look at his fb to see that he made his new relationship fb offical the day of the wedding i invited him to. It took him less than a week to ask the girl he had told me several times about, that goes to his college, out and now here I am unhappy and alone. Like, good for him for knowing what he wanted and stuff, but I can still remember how he told me he loved me the last time I saw him merely 2 weeks ago.

As if struggling with that wasn't enough, on monday i was (basically) diagnosed with depression. A 24/27 on the test, and some concern in my counselors face, even talk about seeking someone else if it doesn't go away in a few weeks. I have a lot going on with school and being alone, but I like to bottle everything up. If i had a friend to talk to, I'd certainly vent, but I don't. So I'm just going along with the flow, minding my own business. Then today I see my ex's mom and I'm reminded of all my pain. Litterally yesterday I was sitting at home thinking of how I'm actually over him, accepted what happened and would be fine never speaking to him again. Now all I want to do is say something, anything to him. Then that makes me feel bad, like how could I still want to reach out to him after all the times he's hurt me?

I don't know. That's how I feel right now: I don't know. It's like one second I'm doing fine and life's ok (you know, good days and bad) then all of a sudden, wham. I haven't felt good in...8 days. I keep going to bed thinking tomorrow will be better. Who knows, maybe it will be someday? I just feel lost. There's more (like there always is to any story) but that's the gist. I always keep to a pattern: exercise, eating healthy then maybe one or two snacks a day, getting homework done early, sleeping a long time and well. But that's all gone. I don't feel like myself, and this makes me sad. Nothing makes me happy, I smile but don't mean it. Honestly I'm too scared to say anything to anyone, because i don't think they'd understand. So I just stay quiet. Maybe it'll pass sometime soon.