let me out
this irritable, frustrated, angry, caged, prowling, snarling proud glorious beast wants out.
let me out
let me out of this body, this unpredictable ridiculous shell that is so irresponsible, so disrespectful.............every day i try, and try again
i made a mission statement for my self-care, about my attitude. right now? mission shmishion.......shaddup.
so sick of waking up in different states of being, rearranged symptoms, pain drops ....... pain thunder & lightning...........knock it off. leave me alone.
leave me alone do ya hear me??????
i have been saving energy, watching every step, limiting my activities until i'm blue in the face.......i am so weary. so bloody weary.......and aye, letting it out. storming back, railing away......mad at what is.......the way things are. perspective, acceptance call on me tomorrow.....this SHELL of a body is sick and tired, tired and sick. Pain, dizziness........tender here, sore there, hurts, hurts, hurts.
i want to rail at anything anyone......at life, the limitations, my infirmity.....................let me out.
i can't get close to the hem on Pollyanna's dress today, i cannot whistle a happy snappy crooner's tune. i can't get high enough to reach the right stuff ......right thinking, right mindedness.......right on, right away. right now i feel gross, yucky, crappy, lousy, horrid, nasty, rough, bad, and mad.........mad i tell you.
bette davis sit down, i'm gonna take the oscar today. "best oscar for deranged drama diva" or "deranged drama diva loses it ---blames ILLNESS!" can ya see the headlines?
someday they will say "SHE REALLY WAS SICK"..........i'm sick to my stomach and sick of explaining to a world that doesn't understand it, respect it or get it...........sick sick sick.
tried music...........tried a documentary........shaddddddup. stop making noise, stop trying to feed me brain.......i'm sick, will not listen, cannot listen to ya. so please just shut yer trap.
Silencio!
i'm so nauseous ----- today this lumpy old ship i live within, yeah my body.......woke up seasick.............the barometric pressure changed by a smidge, dropped some rain on the planet surrounding the stick and bricks i live with in ----- i feel like a ruddy teen in some B MOVIE.......
if i see or smell food i'm gonna hurl.......guess that means stay out of the cafeteria.........the dry cat food bouquet grossed me out. please make the world smell neutral for the next 8 hours........please let me get out of my own head........let me out.
imagination has saved me time and time again. yesterday in an old movie, set in not so merry old england an artist talked about dreamers.......said they lived on imaginary wisps of what tomorrow may bring, but for them it all comes to naught. imaginary wisps have helped me steer through some mighty tough waters...........so screw the artist.......his stupid words, i'll live on to dream again, to keep slogging my way through this.......
God gave me this crazy imagination & He knows just how much I need it. To smooth this life out......to make it palatable, to find and appreciate the blooms on this treacherous arid dessert....................................words run through my fingertips and it seems to me that i am at WAR.
warring with my desire to maintain a grip.....to have a modicum of sense and sensibility........some joy, some peace. today i am a jungle cat...................long sharp claws, stay out of my way illness, stay far far away.......i'll attack and you'll wish for nine lives, but it'll be too late............today stupid illness, you're walking the plank.
let me out
let me out of this body, this unpredictable ridiculous shell that is so irresponsible, so disrespectful.............every day i try, and try again
i made a mission statement for my self-care, about my attitude. right now? mission shmishion.......shaddup.
so sick of waking up in different states of being, rearranged symptoms, pain drops ....... pain thunder & lightning...........knock it off. leave me alone.
leave me alone do ya hear me??????
i have been saving energy, watching every step, limiting my activities until i'm blue in the face.......i am so weary. so bloody weary.......and aye, letting it out. storming back, railing away......mad at what is.......the way things are. perspective, acceptance call on me tomorrow.....this SHELL of a body is sick and tired, tired and sick. Pain, dizziness........tender here, sore there, hurts, hurts, hurts.
i want to rail at anything anyone......at life, the limitations, my infirmity.....................let me out.
i can't get close to the hem on Pollyanna's dress today, i cannot whistle a happy snappy crooner's tune. i can't get high enough to reach the right stuff ......right thinking, right mindedness.......right on, right away. right now i feel gross, yucky, crappy, lousy, horrid, nasty, rough, bad, and mad.........mad i tell you.
bette davis sit down, i'm gonna take the oscar today. "best oscar for deranged drama diva" or "deranged drama diva loses it ---blames ILLNESS!" can ya see the headlines?
someday they will say "SHE REALLY WAS SICK"..........i'm sick to my stomach and sick of explaining to a world that doesn't understand it, respect it or get it...........sick sick sick.
tried music...........tried a documentary........shaddddddup. stop making noise, stop trying to feed me brain.......i'm sick, will not listen, cannot listen to ya. so please just shut yer trap.
Silencio!
i'm so nauseous ----- today this lumpy old ship i live within, yeah my body.......woke up seasick.............the barometric pressure changed by a smidge, dropped some rain on the planet surrounding the stick and bricks i live with in ----- i feel like a ruddy teen in some B MOVIE.......
if i see or smell food i'm gonna hurl.......guess that means stay out of the cafeteria.........the dry cat food bouquet grossed me out. please make the world smell neutral for the next 8 hours........please let me get out of my own head........let me out.
imagination has saved me time and time again. yesterday in an old movie, set in not so merry old england an artist talked about dreamers.......said they lived on imaginary wisps of what tomorrow may bring, but for them it all comes to naught. imaginary wisps have helped me steer through some mighty tough waters...........so screw the artist.......his stupid words, i'll live on to dream again, to keep slogging my way through this.......
God gave me this crazy imagination & He knows just how much I need it. To smooth this life out......to make it palatable, to find and appreciate the blooms on this treacherous arid dessert....................................words run through my fingertips and it seems to me that i am at WAR.
warring with my desire to maintain a grip.....to have a modicum of sense and sensibility........some joy, some peace. today i am a jungle cat...................long sharp claws, stay out of my way illness, stay far far away.......i'll attack and you'll wish for nine lives, but it'll be too late............today stupid illness, you're walking the plank.
Replies
Oh sweetie so sorry you feel so awful. You sure have a way with words...artistic, dreamy, & hope of a better day. Hang on Sparrow we hear you loud & strong. Weak in body, but strong in spirit. I could learn allot from you. You are in my prayers & very much in my heart. Xoxo
What happens if you are not at war? What if you accept without fight what your body is going through, if only for 5 minutes? War steals your precious energy. Lay down with a cool drink. Close your eyes. Let your body do what it\'s going to do. Don\'t let it take away what energy you have. It\'s not giving up. Think of it more like passive resistance. I personally am grateful for your friendship regardless of what your body is doing. Save your energy for friends and loved ones and furry ones.
*hug hug*
Sending much needed peace into the war zone for you Sparrow........
Through it all Serce, this illness will never take away the love we have for you! Sometimes a darn good rant helps when we are just too tired to do much else. Neverending, understanding hugs to you. XOXOXO Connie
You are the only person I know who can make a much needed rant sound like beautiful poetry. You are the Walt Whitman of the CFS crowd. I am so sorry to hear how much you were suffering - and can completely understand. I don\'t have your gift with words, though. All I can say on a day like you described is \"really!?\" It\'s my all day refrain on a terrible day\" \"really!?!\" Hope you have some good days soon.
somehow I think if I visited you and put the pollyanna dress on you, that would not help. : ) just kidding. I feel exactly the same, though my ailments are different, but the same mindset as you. oh how my heart aches for both of us.
I hope you know that it will pass. I keep telling myself that. I am tired of thinking. tired of being stuck at home. tired of being fat. and sick. and tired. and fat and sick and tired. so honey, you are not alone. does it help to just watch a movie so you mind can escape at least? that always helps me, even if it is for only 2 hours. sending you lots of love and prayers. m
Yes! Let it out, vent it! Tell that sucker just what you think of it!