Let me be home

Enough is enough. I want to be home.

I lasted longer on this vacation than I did others. I was fine until we reached Shanghai. I expected it to feel like coming home. Instead it just felt alien and overwhelming. Even my favorite childhood foods can’t bring back that feeling of being where I belong. I was born in America and I’m firmly American. 

Shanghai is crowded as shit. Poverty abound, pollution abound. Too many people. Dirt and piss. Alien language. Alien culture. 

I think I have a vacation limit of about one week before I start to dissociate like crazy! Tokyo felt enough like home that I was okay. China...! Every single time, the amount of poverty you see around surprises me. And the culture demands so much artificiality. You must always act kind, courteous, you must lie about your intentions, you must be fake. And everyone knows its fake but keeps doing it. It’s mind-boggling to me. 

So I’m stuck in such a dissociative loop- the obsessive side of my anxiety is acting up again, for the first time in a while, I’m going around in circles and my head hurts. At this point I feel like I’ve alreasy given up trying to experience or enjoy anything. All I want is familiarity, home, friends. Here all I have is dubious family. Pickpockets, probably human traffickers around. I don’t feel safe. 

No motivation, just headache.