Lessons learned
I know there will always be emotional waves. It's part of life. My coping has taught me to
know that. To know that feelings change and that we must keep a sense of what we're responsible for in life.
I very much want someone to come home to, to confide in, even if it's after a nice evening.
There always seems to be that inner yearning to come home and be comforted with a comrade in the battle to take care of and survive life.
Though I started to write this last night. I woke up this morning slowly after many transforming dreams.
My heart felt super raw and my mentality became so different. I felt the only thing 'able' to practicably commit to
was taking care of life. I supppose if I had a partner in life - if it turns out to be at the monastery - or
someone close to me - I suppose I would hope there is a reasonability about the expectation I would have
for them - and they would have for me - in how constant I would be for them. Does that make sense?
I have Blue who I dote on for all his needs and that I can do well. It's a comforting thing for me to take
care of him - and I hope for him too. Quite germaine to this post, he accepts and loves me no matter
how much I change. I try to be there for him - and it's an unspoken agreement and relationship
that really survives!! Hallelujah!
Replies
from the mysterious creases in my twisted brain springs a wandering wonder of whether roommate(s) would be a balance between the romantic and the monastic fantasies. just a companionable sharing of space to break isolation? in my urban homestead i had a quasi-social, quasi-reclusive neighbor who listed his extra rooms on vrbo and airbnb.
just wondering. . .
back to my own life lessons in how to quiet the domestic battlefields of my own committed relationships.
fantasies are so much cleaner than real life. . .
"I suppose I would hope there is a reasonability about the expectation I would have for them - and they would have for me - in how constant I would be for them. Does that make sense?"
Makes total sense. What you wrote here made me think of a touching article that I read and bookmarked a while back. Perhaps it will give you hope.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8084430/
Hugs for you and Blue.
thanks Arfie and Judy!! I wrote thanks earlier but for some reason it didn't post!!
The first time I was admitted to a psych ward, I remember expressing this sort of feeling of isolation and feeling of needing a connection and, though much more to it, she sort of insinuated I was foolish and I had a long journey ahead of me to be content with myself rather than things that were “fleeing.”
Well, nearly 20 years have passed, and I’ve lived and loved and lost, but here I still have those same sentiments of hope that an idealized conceptualized partnership becomes part of my life down the road.
I don’t think it’s a “silly” thing to want.
But I do believe that being assured in the self is important to know and understand fully so that achievements in finding the right connections can be truly made.
I’m going to email you a beautiful passage I read on Substack from a writing peer there, who writes from a Hindu perspective.
Hugs.
thanks Nikki!