Lesson Learned
I am so upset. I finally gave into his hounding and talked to him. For an hour and half. He has been begging and pleading for days for me to forgive him, saying all he wants is for me not to hate him. Well, I do. And I have good reason too!
The conversation started out all lovey-dovey, and when it became apparent that I wasn't coming back for anything... It was all down hill from there. He told me how much he loved me, how great he thought I was when I was just being myself... To finish up by telling me that while I was 'really honest in being the real me', he equally hated my dishonesty. This has been a long-standing feud between him and I. He is always accusing me of lying to him (which I have- in order to protect myself, nothing major) and how he can't get close to me because of my dishonesty and lies!!
And this from a man who lies about everything!!!
He even lied tonight about his ex-wife, a loan and re-financing!! The dumbass! It is my job to know these things. It is what I have done for a living for many years. He just thought I would never check-up on him, until I did.
He still claims there wasn't anyone else, when he said that there was!! He says he did it just so I would know how it feels... How what feels, I asked? How it feels to be side-lined, just like you have been doing to be for all of these years. He is fucking crazy!!! Oh, and after all of this he tells me how hard he is... He was turned on!!
When I didn't respond and attempted to end the conversation, he kept saying there must be someone else. I wouldn't say yes or no, because it is none of his damn business!!!
He built me up with all of these wonderful compliments, and I felt so amazed by his insights into my character that I let my guard down. Then BAM! I was a lying liar. Oh and over-confident!
The very first thing he commented on was my confidence level. You are so confident, why are you so confident? Uh, because I am happy!!! I told him that while he meant very much to me, we were never going to be and that I was so happy that things worked out the way they did because it gave me the courage to change my life. I was being completely sincere, not blaming him (although I wanted to), simply stating that it was all for the best. He would always threaten me with leaving, saying it would be best for both of us- when I was completely dependent on him. Apparently, I greatly offended him by saying it. It was his line- and how dare I agree with him!
He went on and on about how dishonest I was, how I ruined the relationship and how it was all my fault. He reduced me to tears and then had the nerve to ask me if I was still okay with seeing him (I had said I would consider it in the very distant place in the future- and I said it more to get him off my back than anything else)...
I just couldn't help thinking that there was no way I could ever live this way again, and about how other people love me despite my not telling them everything (because they respect my boundaries), and how I would never be enough for him.
I never was allowed to have boundaries around him. He made the rules and then kept moving the goal posts... Grrr!!!
Oh, and even though he tracked me down through great efforts on his behalf, he could barely bring himself to say he missed me. Well, the guy I am seeing has no trouble admitting he misses me... In a completely normal way, not all out consuming like my ex would be when he did work up the courage to say it!
I was with an emotionally damaged human being who never had any hope of being a kind, loving partner.
You are too big a part of my life to let go, he says. Bullshit! I am walking out that door and never coming back. He can have his craziness. I just want my peace and serenity.
I feel like I hung up just in time. I don't feel completely demolished and destroyed like how he used to make me feel. I just realize I made a mistake in trying to be 'friends' with him. My peace and serenity were inside of me this whole time. I won't let anyone take them from me.
He is slimy.
God, I feel like I am two years old saying that, but it is true. He can think I hate him all he wants, he can live in self-pity for the rest of his life, because I don't care.
I love myself more.
And it is about time!!
The conversation started out all lovey-dovey, and when it became apparent that I wasn't coming back for anything... It was all down hill from there. He told me how much he loved me, how great he thought I was when I was just being myself... To finish up by telling me that while I was 'really honest in being the real me', he equally hated my dishonesty. This has been a long-standing feud between him and I. He is always accusing me of lying to him (which I have- in order to protect myself, nothing major) and how he can't get close to me because of my dishonesty and lies!!
And this from a man who lies about everything!!!
He even lied tonight about his ex-wife, a loan and re-financing!! The dumbass! It is my job to know these things. It is what I have done for a living for many years. He just thought I would never check-up on him, until I did.
He still claims there wasn't anyone else, when he said that there was!! He says he did it just so I would know how it feels... How what feels, I asked? How it feels to be side-lined, just like you have been doing to be for all of these years. He is fucking crazy!!! Oh, and after all of this he tells me how hard he is... He was turned on!!
When I didn't respond and attempted to end the conversation, he kept saying there must be someone else. I wouldn't say yes or no, because it is none of his damn business!!!
He built me up with all of these wonderful compliments, and I felt so amazed by his insights into my character that I let my guard down. Then BAM! I was a lying liar. Oh and over-confident!
The very first thing he commented on was my confidence level. You are so confident, why are you so confident? Uh, because I am happy!!! I told him that while he meant very much to me, we were never going to be and that I was so happy that things worked out the way they did because it gave me the courage to change my life. I was being completely sincere, not blaming him (although I wanted to), simply stating that it was all for the best. He would always threaten me with leaving, saying it would be best for both of us- when I was completely dependent on him. Apparently, I greatly offended him by saying it. It was his line- and how dare I agree with him!
He went on and on about how dishonest I was, how I ruined the relationship and how it was all my fault. He reduced me to tears and then had the nerve to ask me if I was still okay with seeing him (I had said I would consider it in the very distant place in the future- and I said it more to get him off my back than anything else)...
I just couldn't help thinking that there was no way I could ever live this way again, and about how other people love me despite my not telling them everything (because they respect my boundaries), and how I would never be enough for him.
I never was allowed to have boundaries around him. He made the rules and then kept moving the goal posts... Grrr!!!
Oh, and even though he tracked me down through great efforts on his behalf, he could barely bring himself to say he missed me. Well, the guy I am seeing has no trouble admitting he misses me... In a completely normal way, not all out consuming like my ex would be when he did work up the courage to say it!
I was with an emotionally damaged human being who never had any hope of being a kind, loving partner.
You are too big a part of my life to let go, he says. Bullshit! I am walking out that door and never coming back. He can have his craziness. I just want my peace and serenity.
I feel like I hung up just in time. I don't feel completely demolished and destroyed like how he used to make me feel. I just realize I made a mistake in trying to be 'friends' with him. My peace and serenity were inside of me this whole time. I won't let anyone take them from me.
He is slimy.
God, I feel like I am two years old saying that, but it is true. He can think I hate him all he wants, he can live in self-pity for the rest of his life, because I don't care.
I love myself more.
And it is about time!!
Replies
Good for you! Now you no. No further contact. I went through the same stuff over and over, so don\'t beat yourself up about it. But the truth is, an abuser is an abuser - he won\'t suddenly be not abusive because you change the title of the relationship to \"friends\".
Hope you feel better again soon.
So true! I want to believe the good in people. He knows this, and is clearly using it to manipulate me. It is exploitive and wrong! I am so glad that you are here, livin! I would feel very alone otherwise! :)
I am just sorry he put you through such a negative experience .You sounded very strong and I hope things are better today. Hugs.
Thank you, Joanie! It means a lot to me... I am leaving for a business trip in the morning and I think it will help keep my mind off things... At least I am hoping so!