Less then 24 hours...

(Morning)

I ended up chickening out and not calling the day of my last journal but I kept checking the appt website.  I had just decided to call today because I was up again freaking myself out at 4:30 in the morning.  The little voice in my head saying I waited to long, that I should've called weeks ago.  I did one last check of the website before I called to check to see what my new doctor's name was and I was thrilled(?) to see they had an appointment for tomorrow.  So now I am less then 24 hours from finally seeing a doctor about it.  A doctor I have never seen before.  I don't know what she is like or anything about her really.  I hate needing to go see a doctor for something that is wrong.  I don't mind routine physicals they are inconvenient but ultimately harmless.  It is going in when I know something is wrong is when I start to be truly anxious.  Especially when what is wrong feeds into my fears.  

So what do I want to happen tomorrow?

I want to feel listened to and I want to feel like I am taken seriously.  I do honestly think there is something wrong, but I don't know what or how serious it is.  

I would also like to come away with some sort of idea of what it could be and how concerned I should be.  If tests should be ordered I want them to be ordered.  I just had a mammogram last year so I am not sure they would order one again so soon.  Also for the two forms of c that have the pain/itchness I am worried about only one do they had a mammogram as something a doctor would order to see what was going on because pgd is usually (they think) caused by c in the breast already.  Really the only way to truly see if you have those two forms for sure is a biopsy.  That is why they both get diagnosis so advanced because one they are rare and two they could also not be c and they want to rule out other possibilities first.  

Will they ask if I have been having any weird cycle issues and if they don't should I bring it up?  Because there has been the spotting here and there but not consistantly also and bit concerning is the ovary pain but not in a "bent over in half I am in the worst pain of my life kind," like when I had my eptopics. It has been more mild more something you notice but it doesn't slow you down.  So once again I am not sure how concerned I should be.  I defineitly want to talk to the doc about it but I also don't want to cloud the issue because I am mainly concerned about the pain/itchiness/tenderness.   If they don't bring it up maybe I could make another appointment to talk to someone about it.  I hope they bring it up.

Also even though both breasts are itchy/painful/tender my right one is worse and there are some suspicous bumps raised patches on my right one which i will point out tomorrow.  I am thinking of taking a picture of the area I am most concerned with because during the exam the nipples/aeorlas of course contract and so I am worried that she wont see what I am taking about.  It could be perfectly normal but I need her to see what I see and tell me one way or another if it is something to be concerned about.  Is that weird bringing in my own picture?  I almost don't care at this point.

(Evening)

I wrote the above this morning and then I had to go.  So I will finish it up tonight.  I tried to take a picture of the area of concern but I couldn't get it to focus so hopefully my boobs will cooperate.  I have gone back and forth between mentioning my ovary pain and waiting until next time.  Because I do have many of the symptoms of a ovarian cyst but at the same although that would explain tenderness it does not explain the itchiness. So then I go back to it must be something wrong in my boobs and I should just focus on that.  Please Lord let her ask about it.  

Also I have been having a feeling of breathlessness for the last couple of days.  Now I have also been having acid reflux and that always effects my breathing so that could be all it is but of course that's not what my brain says to me at 4:30 in the morning. I don't know what else to say.  I will write more tomorrow after my appointment unless I think of something else. I need to trust in the Lord and his will for tomorrow.  Please Lord help me. 

1/24

I meant to update the same day but my day got intense and hectic.  So first off my appointment:  I think it went ok.  She did a breast exam and I showed her the spots I was concerned about with my right one.  She said that looked fine.  So there you go.  She also thought it was dermitis, so she suggested hydrocortozone twice a day.  IDK  I want it to work and as of right now I have applied it 3 times and I am not noticing much of a difference but maybe it is an accumulative thing?  I will give it at least a week.  Before I call it a failure.  I was also apparently due for a pap smear so I was able to talk about the left side dull pain and the spotting.  When she did a pelvic exam she said my uterus and ovaries felt fine.  

So now what?

I am very thankful to God that she did both breast and pelvic exam.  I really hope that it is dermititis I don't want it to be anything serious.  My ovarian cyst theory for my pelvic bone pain seems less likely now but I know I pelvic exam wont always feel a cyst but if it was so bad that it was causing bone pain and breathlessness then it should've been felt right?  If it is not a cyst then why have I been having these pains?  I am worried for how this is all gonna play out eventually.  I really don't want to have to make more doctor's appointments and still not find out what is going on.  

My breathlessness and bloating feeling is uncomfortable and upsetting on top of all my other health concerns.  Is it related or do thy all have different causes? I hate this helpless feeling that comes over me when it comes to all of this.  Then my brain tries to supply it's own answers which are all worst case scenarios. So then I am in pain and I am torturing myself so I am miserable.  Like I said I will give it a week and then reevaluate.  I pray to God that he will cure me and help me through this time.