less stressed happiness

just hanging out here with Blue. The day has been going well.

The services I conduct/we conduct are becoming so pleasantly routine.

Low stress but beautiful.

I kind of like that peace and reliability and predictability.

It's a very peaceful life here. I am very grateful.

I have therapy at 230p today. It will be helpful

for sure - though I am feeling 

pretty good. I also know I am pretty aware that ultimately I need to guide myself through 

the emotions that accompany me on my adventures daily but that's at issue. That's the rub, as you guys understand and it's the point of therapy,

that kind of assist with understanding my emotional life.

I am not so good at understanding or processing my own feelings at times.

The result of my vulnerability with this makes me feel that there is one context of emotions which is false.

There is the context of my emotions and others emotions - it's a big melee.

In practice with that thought, I am starting to see how the sisters here are so hell bent on doing things rightly

and preciously - which is fine if that's their thing  - but it's delivered with the atttiude that they want you to think that they are perfect in their piety 

and ceremony but they are not. At first when I came here that whole vibe put up a smoke screen

for me that told me that indeed they were perfect and I was the only one

who was flawed and had trouble with the services. In fact they're all flawed, we're all flawed.

Daily we each make mistakes in the services.

It makes you kind of weary though the way they react, with a sense of disdain for imperfections

at times - and yet then they turn around and make mistakes and want compassion. I've noticed

my own hypocritical reaction to it as well. I mean to say that I know I want compassion for making

mistakes and only with a couple of them will I get an "atta boy" "it's ok" kind of response. I'm

just kind of noticing my own ethic in contrast to my own disdainful wincing at mistakes -

I know it's not right - but it all kind of goes in a mixture of the whole melee of routine

and in the end is all that "Sound and Fury."

The flexibility with compassion here is missing a lot.

It has awakened me to my own struggles though - it's helped me understand

and be compassionate with myself,  strong in myself to be compassionate

for those who have trouble being compassionate and determined to be who

I am independent of what the crowd's momentum is at time.

- I'm understanding my own context of my emotions

that is kept in the company of others and not just filling the ideals of my personal appetites and desire for grace.

Things are good. I know I have a very creative mind and perhaps that's an area I have to watch out for.

I can churn up observations and ideas yet keeping them in a kind of context of myself amongst others

will help me create something that isn't just a raw spinning of thoughts or gossip like 'trashing'

of the people here who have been so welcoming and generous with me in most ways. I need to 

keep a healthy context which is also a perspective on this place. I know I've hinted at otherwise

but they each can be really sweet at times, and at others it feels like we're a bunch of pigeons

pecking away at each other. It's just life I suppose. I suppose I don't need to make some investigative

summarization. The life I've been given here is a blessing. I am grateful.

I am adapting still to the quiet life here - I feel I am landing though - more grounded

and accepting of my life here and the opportunity that affords me for my creativity

and less stressed happiness.