less gloom & doom.....trying i promise

humpty dumpty sat on a wall...

humpty dumpty fell off.  me too.

i am a CRACKED EGG.

but who cares really?

good day to you fair citizen of the world,

i just spent an hour on the phone with a satellite dish technician named Phillip.  at the beginning i told him that the remote was no longer working and needed to be replaced.  but of course he has to run me through hoops and over barrels before he can dispatch a new one to me out here in the counnnnntry.

i took another shower......two showers two days in a row.  this is a sign of human existence.  good.  signs of improvement noted. 

i was walking around barefoot and realized that my thinking that my house is clean is a myth in my silly old head........there is a lot of minutae on the floor.  it finds and subsequently sticks to my bare tootsies like a cheap version of swiffer pads.  huh, feels yucky underfoot.......so i swept.  the laundry room, the kitchen..........and i'm trying to ignore the wood surfaces in the living room for another day or three or five. 

what else is going on?  it's 87 degrees in my neck of the woods, hot, clear skies and sunnnnnny!  it rained and rained and rained all night long.  again.  as usual.  the southern united states now has a version of the monsoon season.  don't try to tell me that global warming is a myth........notice our surroundings, something funky and global is happening no matter what we think.

i did dishes again......washing a small load of cotton as i type this journal.......and try to drink in the improvements and not whine overly much about the reality of the pain.  i am better......i am not great, but again stress that one needs to focus on improvements, whether in leaps or the tiniest of degrees.  i hear ya, sometimes i can't swaller all that pollyanna happy happy joy joy either.......i am sick of sick.

tomorrow is another owl's luncheon.......hmmm, will i be able to make it or ???  i decided to clean out the frig.......which used up a lot of spoons.  if i want to go tomorrow i need to make something today to take.  i have beans and bacon and brown sugar and brown mustard and ketchup........so i could make some of Mom's quickie baked beans.  but then i have to live with the smell of bacon for two days.  eenie meenie miney smells, which can i take and which ones will take me to jail.....?

my vision is better today.  yay.  i finished my crossword puzzle and only had to peek at the answers 3 or 4 times....to finish it!  giggggggggle giggle!  i read a reader's digest and did the word test........i got them all right.  that rarely happens anymore.....so i am feeling very proud.  if you're not familiar they have a list of difficult words and give the reader multiple choice answers......the next page reveals the answers and uses the words in a sentence.  i doubt that i am a genius, more credit is due to some really good teachers growing up......they were big on growing the vocabulary gardens in our young minds.  i could and did use words like audacious when i was a third grader.  cause the teachers would have us put our heads down on the desks everyday after lunch and listen to BIG WORDS.  that stuff sticks in the brain of a kid.......smart thinking teachers!!!!

when i took the trash down the other day i noticed that the climbing roses and the regular roses were all blooming again.......very pretty.  i haven't spent much time noticing lately........which means i'm not really in the moment and need to be.  being in the present makes me a happier more present more appreciative little cowgirl.  i gave my cowgirl boots to shorty......my tall daughter.  cause .......it was time.  and cause my feet shrunk.......and cause she admired them so.

moving along little doggies........yippe cayay cayay!  no clue what is going on in this silly brain........part of it is because Phillip, the satellite technical support rep told me i sound so young........ha ha ho ho hee hee.  see he was 'splaining stuffs to me and he was going OVER my head.......so i asked him to break it down ......that us old folks need that from time to time.  i could hear his voice startle.....he said you're in your 30's right?  not right.  i have white hair and i am the mother of OLD KIDS!!!!!  he laughed and said he wished his mom could be so silly and fun........guess talking to a live human lifted up my spirits.  it really does help.

i will be praying for you.  and thinking of you.  and wishing they would fix this site........so i can interact and find a groove and be happier here........there is so much i miss about this site as it was........and i still fight resentment about the lack of information from ds staff.  angry and sad.......

but we can't dwell on it all day long 27/7........life is short.  and we need to grow our lives in happier directions........happiness or joy are CHOICES.  i think that the word choice is key with me and my house.......we can choose.  when we are ill we need time to grieve, mourn and vent, but we also need time to live......to be ok, content, happy or comfy or enjoy a good joke.....feel our mouth go up in the shape of a grin..........

after days of being unable to smile........on the outside it's good to know i can if i want to.  i still tend to grin more on the inside that for reals......cause everything drains our spoon supply closet............everything.  hey.........did i tell you i found an old silver spoon that was turned into a tiny little bud vase at an estate sale?  i sure did........it has tiny little climbing roses in it.......they are dried now, but i like it that way.

i made a tribute to grandpa the other day........i took a teal colored photo frame, added some old fashioned card stock with faded roses on it......and then carefully tucked in five dried leaves from the rose from Grandpa's funeral........in the shape of five leaves.......it looks nice, then i took the rose petals and remaining leaves and they sit in a handpainted tea cup on top of it's tiny handpainted saucer.  it's a little thing, but it reminds me to pray for Grandma daily........and to think of Grandpa up there in Heaven having a grand time........I know Grandma must miss him something awful.........as she said, "When someone's been around for 68 years it's hard not to miss them......"  Married for 68 years......still blows me away. 

My glands aren't as sore, but i still feel weird my friends.......the muscle below my waist on the left side hurts like a mad cow kicked me but good.......but i notice that the pain in my left arm is greatly reduced.  and it isn't feeling cold any longer.  i don't know what that means, but ever since this sickness started my left arm has had problems.  initially my forearm swelled up like a birthday balloon and then overnight the hand swelled also........no sign of any bites or injury..  i had carried a bag with a sweatshirt and a diet coke in it......so a very light bag......around campus during parents week end all those years ago.  so bizarre.......and from that time on all sorts of weird symptoms sprouted like popcorn and pinballs.  i had to wear a sling for two weeks........but ever since when the flares hit......i get pain and coldness in that same forearm.  what does that mean???? 

nobody knows.  nobody is a person who can keep secrets.......right?  that's what i think too.........that doctor nobody is a fort knox of information and if we could only unlock that door we could become informed as well.........we could find our way out of this crazy long maze of symptoms that never tire of bossing us around.

wait a minute, i was on a happy trail........knock off that sour grapes stuff lady........lift up your spirit today, you are having less symptoms and if you rest today maybe you CAN GO to the owls luncheon with the other white haired folks nearby.........big sigh.  your idiotic pal, sparrow live from sparrow's cottage