Left out

Today my granddaughters were dedicated in the church. It was a joyous occasion. I came away feeling terrible though. I didn't want to go up in front of the church because I am so huge and I didn't want the whole congregation to see me struggline to get up the three small steps to the stage area and I can't stand to see pictures of myself and I didn't want to ruin the pictures of the babies with my huge body in the picture. So I was the picture taker.  I didn't know that my daughter invited her inlaws to go up on stage with her. I'm a little jealous, but what really grieves my heart is that if I die in surgery the babies will not have any pics of me, they're at an age where they probably won't  remember me, and how much I love them. I so want to be able to take them places and be in pics with them so they will always remember me and the good times we have and know that I loved them.  If I survive this surgery, I am determined to make it work because I am realizing that my biggest fear of all is not being part of my grandbabies lives. My children are grown and I've missed out on so much with them, but I can change that with my grandchildren. Everyone who prays please pray for me. I also got kicked out of my writing critique group. It's not a big deal because it was something I just wasn't able to keep up with and kind of wanted to quit anyway. I was holding out because I know this school term is ending and I thought I would have more time. Somehow though, even though I feel relieved, it still feels bad, and I'm starting to geel down. Like i said, it's not a big deal, I'm relieved of the added responsibility, but on top of the thing with the granddaughters, and the upcoming surgery, and knowing that my kids are not going to see me in the hospital, it kind of has me down.                    Thank you all for your support and encouragement.