learning to think about things in a new way

while at work- through the attrition of not having the motivation to do a good job at first

and yet ultimately wanting to do a good job because that's  how I want my work done (the duality, I find it hard to be flippant about it yet I get tired and wish i didn't care) and so it made me question what that meant.

My therapist has also tried to show me that my standards that

I keep are self generated - like 'how I like to handle things well'

and 'how I have been trying to manage my money' - in terms of while I am 

living on the budget that I do.

In any event - the ideas, and thoughts inspired by them, - helped

me realize today that we each have "a kind of emotional place we like to live."

And it's apparent in our own thoughts and actions.

I've seen it in the people around me - and as I mentioned this in therapy today

my therapist responded "You got that right!" :).

It's just helping me find a steady ground for my thoughts about things related to this - like my behavior and ability to plan

what kind of day I'd like to make for myself too...

Secondly,

I've also been thinking about my living in the suburbs of Los Angeles. I really always have found

a discontent and ambivalance about living here (in LA/SoCal) I've lived other places that I've enjoyed....Today I felt a resignation about it -where I live - Like just accepting

this is where I live, this is the life I am leading and no choice really in the matter - appreciate what it is 

and so I'll look at it positively.

It's just really awakening some awareness of the choices I am making and giving myself

more power as to what my desire is to do with my time, rather than almost unconsciously sublimate my discontent.