learning to be myself and fighting forward

It seems that managing my illness and the process of learning to do so, has really inspired me

to abstract thinking about life and myself and learning not to be reactive but instead discoursive.

This morning, having the opportunity to sleep

in - after yesterday's writing, which made me feel really good:

(I’m really lucky things turned out like they did in my life considering all that’s happened. My days now are slow, gentle, meaningful, communal and productive. I with my mental health challenges am safe and cared for. I am grateful.

I’ll continue to look for part time work. But I’m lucky that it’s not a frightening imperative.

The other day in front of the sisters, Aemiliane said ‘We’ll never let you go!’

I hope things are good. Sending xx)

I felt the pull or the distinction this morning as I woke up between the ideas of my identity of choice and, the acceptance of my illness

and appreciation for the good life I do have - rather than how I would have liked it - with a partner and life of work, love,

vacations and holidays and friends, family. I realized that my art will take the place or fill up much of the area where I will draw forth

my sense of identity. Though I will still have the other things - dormant or lingering in the background, I know I will have

some way to assert myself in life.

After realizing this - I went down to church for coffee and morning meal. Feeling full of myself in a positive way -

and left the coffee room as the abbess' father was there and he really is a 'debbie downer' everyday.

I sat in the narthex - the area/foyer outside of the sanctuary and began to look at my phone.

I know they don't like me to do that - so I looked briefly and put the phone away. There was another monk

who was doing the same thing but the guest mistress came

out - saw me - and reported me to the Eldress - who then talked to me about NOT DOING THAT. I pointed out

the other priest was doing that - but she said along the lines "Yes, but he is different." Such bullshit -

I know this is small potatoes but they really try and manipulate and control me here at times - - always keeping

a firm grip on the final word. I didn't back down - but recognized and filed away this as just their bullshit -

and I noticed I was a bit more 'reactive' today because of my sense of pride and identity, maybe. 

But I also thought about what touchedbythesun said about "Fighting." - We all have an identity

we all want to achieve what we want to achieve - and yet we also have to fight forward - with life

a psychological judo - bruised ego etc... and know that this is just part of life. I'm back in my room now - and I'll get to work on

some things. Have a great day all!!!