This is awkwardly put but my insides need contact from others a lot. I think there’s part of me that would curate the emotional aspect of the interrelationship
But you can’t do that it’s not just about me and my way it’s about human nature and human frailty, a melee of how all differently react to things. Life’s not a movie.That realization has been helping me just find the place inside me to just get along and not be upset and just enjoy my time here with my family. I have a lot of creative energy to create things, thankfully I have my journal here.
This is me just thinking out loud. The nuns and the abbess want ‘no grey area’ too it seems.
I guess it’s not too uncommon about wanting some sure things and no surprises. No gray area like the nuns, but in modicum, it seems everyone has their routines and rituals and systems. I start the day needing to find my structure and focus to keep me awake to my own life and so invite happiness in.
In the time before getting on with my day I was finding that my thoughts went to my sister who doesn’t respond to my texts much anymore. I’ve written ‘ I love you’ and nothing comes back. My therapist at the last mental hospital I was in said or hinted that she is not someone to rely on. But I will find my focus and just accept her for the way she is. I can love her in a way that’s right for her.
I feel resolved and comforted that I have whole life in Maryland. I know life’s not a movie. I know some people out there support me. Maybe a lot less than I ever knew, but i still can embrace my dreams and interests.
I can’t let others take away my dreams. Just because they don’t support me with my fundraising or in comradery doesn’t stop me from having my goals.
I kind of want to make rules about things about a person when stuff like that happens but I can’t some people who do not accept me or support me is just real life we all gotta deal with that. it just means I accept it and keep at my dreams. I’m just thinking about someone I hoped was a friend but seems like he’s not . Receiving love is then so much more powerful when it’s mutual!
And having stewed in all that now that ‘too much an artist’ type focus is coming back. A lot of stuff gets thrown my way from folks, and I detach and become about my own dreams and standards
And I become critical and angry .But I have to keep a healthy and just filter. i know we all gotta deal with the crap coming at us during the day.
And I realize things in my life out here in LA are much like they are in the monastery having to deal with different personalities and snipes and moods, it’s ‘community’,.. It’s real life and i am grateful.
I realize we all need our sense of control. I know Dad and C feel unsettled when I’m not totally submissive but I have my needs too and so I’ll give myself some mutual grace at that.
Gosh my real mom was needy.
My body is all trembling, there’s no way to be accepted here it feels like. I feel like they’re giving each other glances when I talk. I need to keep my head down until I get back to my life.
I know I’m needy too.
I know my disorder makes me rant about stuff.
Now I just need to muscle through. Choose happy and deal with the chaos both inner and outer..
I'm sorry that you're struggling and hurting right now
I have found a lot of people don't know how the hell to talk with someone that has a mentsl illness and it sux when you're feeling vulnerable or even raw
Some aren't comfortable with dealing with emotions period
Please don't take that to mean that they don't love you because I don't believe that, that's true
Deep breaths, maybe have a nice warm bubble bath later and light a candle just to relax and have some 'you' time
I'm hugging you and you're right you will get through this
Replies
This is awkwardly put but my insides need contact from others a lot. I think there’s part of me that would curate the emotional aspect of the interrelationship
But you can’t do that it’s not just about me and my way it’s about human nature and human frailty, a melee of how all differently react to things. Life’s not a movie.That realization has been helping me just find the place inside me to just get along and not be upset and just enjoy my time here with my family. I have a lot of creative energy to create things, thankfully I have my journal here.
I’m finding a gray area perspective to come from, but I’m also realizing what I need and like
I’ve been too much of an artist
It's so true we can all act and see things so differently depending on our perspective on any given day
Gray area's are good IMHO
Not one extreme or another
I'm glad that yo're getting along sweetie and not feeling upset
Big squishy hug.... Christmas 2025 is almost over!
I've been thinking a lot about Jesus and his mother...xo
Not too much of an artist sweetie
That's a fabulous gift!!
Thanks Janet!!
This is me just thinking out loud. The nuns and the abbess want ‘no grey area’ too it seems.
I guess it’s not too uncommon about wanting some sure things and no surprises. No gray area like the nuns, but in modicum, it seems everyone has their routines and rituals and systems. I start the day needing to find my structure and focus to keep me awake to my own life and so invite happiness in.
In the time before getting on with my day I was finding that my thoughts went to my sister who doesn’t respond to my texts much anymore. I’ve written ‘ I love you’ and nothing comes back. My therapist at the last mental hospital I was in said or hinted that she is not someone to rely on. But I will find my focus and just accept her for the way she is. I can love her in a way that’s right for her.
I feel resolved and comforted that I have whole life in Maryland. I know life’s not a movie. I know some people out there support me. Maybe a lot less than I ever knew, but i still can embrace my dreams and interests.
I can’t let others take away my dreams. Just because they don’t support me with my fundraising or in comradery doesn’t stop me from having my goals.
I kind of want to make rules about things about a person when stuff like that happens but I can’t some people who do not accept me or support me is just real life we all gotta deal with that. it just means I accept it and keep at my dreams. I’m just thinking about someone I hoped was a friend but seems like he’s not . Receiving love is then so much more powerful when it’s mutual!
And having stewed in all that now that ‘too much an artist’ type focus is coming back. A lot of stuff gets thrown my way from folks, and I detach and become about my own dreams and standards
And I become critical and angry .But I have to keep a healthy and just filter. i know we all gotta deal with the crap coming at us during the day.
And I realize things in my life out here in LA are much like they are in the monastery having to deal with different personalities and snipes and moods, it’s ‘community’,.. It’s real life and i am grateful.
Gosh I’m seeing how mental I get when I don’t have positive input. Yikes!! I need to keep on keeping on!!
Have a good day guys!!xxx
I realize we all need our sense of control. I know Dad and C feel unsettled when I’m not totally submissive but I have my needs too and so I’ll give myself some mutual grace at that.
Gosh my real mom was needy.
My body is all trembling, there’s no way to be accepted here it feels like. I feel like they’re giving each other glances when I talk. I need to keep my head down until I get back to my life.
I know I’m needy too.
I know my disorder makes me rant about stuff.
Now I just need to muscle through. Choose happy and deal with the chaos both inner and outer..
Looking forward to being productive again.
Now I’m staying the course and keeping patient, like I’ve learned to do at the monastery, while I get through this.
Aww sweetie...Big squishy hug
I'm sorry that you're struggling and hurting right now
I have found a lot of people don't know how the hell to talk with someone that has a mentsl illness and it sux when you're feeling vulnerable or even raw
Some aren't comfortable with dealing with emotions period
Please don't take that to mean that they don't love you because I don't believe that, that's true
Deep breaths, maybe have a nice warm bubble bath later and light a candle just to relax and have some 'you' time
I'm hugging you and you're right you will get through this
I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day...xo
Thanks Janet! I love you!
Love you to sweetie...xo
Hope you had a Merry Christmas Mark. I'm glad you were able to go see your family.. It had been a while hadn't it. Take care.
Thanks Becky!!!