learning about my life here at the monastery

I want to offer a bird'seye view of what the monastery has done for me.

My fellow ds-ers I know this place is not for everyone.before i came to the monastery - I really kept objectified in a social

kind of way -  caught in like an infinity loop of introspecation and yet my core was very reactive to the slightest input from the

outside world...I was really messed up, I think, but I feel better to a certain extent so I will say I  it seems like this place has really provided a foundation

for my organically succesful personal at work and in life outside of the family relationships and duties.

In LA I was trying to be objectively an individual in commonality -

yet ripe with vanities too,

I didn't have a grounding - 

here I am now living in a real, for me, poignant community - all joined together for one mission and though I am also understanding that though

the social niceities may not exist here so much - there is greater

depth to the relationships here - and plainly I am now fortified so as not so moved be the errant input from others

as I am more firm in my wisdom and self...- I'll add that we're all separate here - but we also

all rely on each other. Rather than have my own standard - it's as though

we all keep mindful of an objectified standard here (in Christ I think they would say but it's also like

an overarching consideration) rather than 

a standard like we keep on our own in the outside world.  It's kind of like a hammer on your head - so it can be challenging 

to tolerate - but it's also a reality call- in a positive sense.

I have found it really difficult to adapt to being here - but it has been good for me -

I have

aged so much and gained a bunch of weight - but I am determined now

to make some room for vanity - as for up till now - it's been something there's

been no time for - and I"ll try and take pride in my body again.

So many different stressors here than existed in LA.

I feel more like a viable individual here though I feel very weak

at times - it's just the variability of my condition - and I wonder if another mental institution is in my future.

But positively speaking, I am making my way in the world.

I need to do the stuff I need to to do to take care of myself, my body 

and my life, my responsibilities - like Blue and saving for the future.

I find myself like a baby thrown into the sea to learn how to swim (a bad analogy)

but my conscious I will say is rising to the challenge of being a community member

who has a stake in my relationships here and at work and socially.

I feel keenly more aware of my variability - but my aspirations today gave me a visit 

and inspiration - to move forward with my personal projects I need to find

pursuits that will give me space to be variable and inconsistent at times and I can

do that while I am living here ( a place that allows me to be variable too.)

That thought is yet another gift of my life here with the sisters.

The door isn't shut I can keep on trying for goals while living in a place

where already I am able and consistently effective with the things

that are asked of me to do - my variability here is not an issue because

what I do does not interfere with my mental challenges.

Have a good night!! x