I'm learning new things about Christianity and how to live at the monastery.
I am really loving it here but also aside from that
these are very useful lessons for me living here and maybe for me living out there in civilian life too...
Some mysteries that had always confounded me now are kind of becoming
systematic or cognitive. Rationalized mysteries and questions always gnaw away at me if I don't
understand them right away..
It's a hierarchy for one, here, - and it kind of gives
the framing for how to consider the hierarchies we find ourselves
in the different aspects of life - spiritual, familial, social or professional.
This comes with the lesson for me that we're all individuals that are all navigating those hierarchies too in life...
That relationships in and of themselves are a powerful way and part of navigating life...
Christianity definitely is a way to understand life...
Christianity is after all a kind of monarchy. eh?
I'll mention more about that later..
Though I seem to espouse the sense of structure learned here - I do believe in having a free spirit about life - and allowing
expression for it and nurturing it. I want to affirm that - it's essential and I made a journal about it too recently.
So now that I am finding myself in a kind of snug, comfortable and structured spiritual family and community,
I am also gaining the wisdom of not taking on or personalizing
those I can't always connect with here, in the sense that they may be troubled, or
they may just not have the faculty
or temperament for cognition for calm sociability. They still are dear and valuable people.
In the process of gaining this wisdom I just know that I don't have to 'take on' what they put out there (especially here
at the monastery if also in life).
It's all been a whirlwind of ideas here - these past few days.
Yesterday I was recognizing that I am wanting stuff in life too. I made that admission to myself
and then having those thoughts in the context of becoming a priest like they want me to be here (do I want to be?)
and knowing what those somethings could be with that kind of roadmap - in the sense of what I can imagine
the road for a priest might be through referencing imagery...
Am I falling into the pattern of 'if you can see it you can be it?'
I know I want money - and I'd love a house someday - and yet I am in a religious community now..
That being said that it's just a part of me that I am looking at - with no judgements
either way - in light of where I am and what I am doing... I have disparate nonsensical thoughts -
well maybe not nonsensical but maybe seemingly paradoxical. For the health of my mental
condition I am letting myself think about things so that I'll make an informed and thoughtful
decision either way. I'll let my spirit soar a bit :-).
I think I am learning about "HOW I THINK" about stuff too - which I confess is sometimes the kneejerk reaction
to have an initial image and then not follow the dream past it's initial imagery , because the stop sign is to me is
about what it wouldn't be rather than what it would be? Does that make sense?
Last night I felt the agency and ability to just flexibly allow myself to dream about certain wants, desires and aspirations... One door
may close in some cases - but it wouldn't be the entire picture that would be closing on the entire dream.
Does that make sense? I kept my dreams alive and augmenting and expanding!!
Relationships on the east coast and at the monastery are extremely important
and I am just realizing how important it is to keep up your end
of responsibilities and relationships with folks.... I've recognized this
before - but here I guess I am seeing it in the superstructure of the society
and the religious and professional community here as well..
I find myself thinking, keep useful to them - keep being grateful for the extensions they give
to you - like thanking the cook today for saving my food for me when I got home from the dentist.
Don't take the big as well as the little gestures without some form of appreciation and gratitude - it's
real important - and it's what Christianity here is teaching me. I've always been aware to be grateful
but I see that it really becomes a personal journey as well....knowing that I am appreciated here and appreciating too is affirming,
reassuring about my place here...It's nice
when they recognize you as well like that. Again this comes with the lesson for me that we're all individuals that are all navigating those hierarchies too in life...
It's another aspect to being self responsible and in my days here - though I can feel really comfortable
(and that triggers me as a kind of taboo) I know that I keep responsible with my chores and actions.
While I was driving home from the dentist today I was
really spinning with the idea that we all feel at times like we have to be perfect.
And when I feel comfortable, that trigger for second guessing myself is: 'oh no you don't!'
I need to get to work now with the duties I have here. I know that I can't spin ideas all the time.
I will make time for writing them - but I also know that I need to get out there and create and build
my life as is each of us has that task.
Replies
hm-m-m-m-m. . . feeling comfortable feels taboo to you? ? ? i thought it meant that i was in full alignment with god's plan and my place therein. just thinking. . . don't accuse me of having all the godly insights.
methinks christianity is more than "kind of a monarchy." many of them call the one and only big boss, "king" and "lord," don't they?
indeed you're right! :-)
Thanks arfie!
thanks arfie. I must sound like ricky retardo - I just need get things out sometimes and now I know I have to suck it
up and get on with things.
evil grin. . .
i call myself, "a social retard." it alleviates a great deal of pressure.
it takes one to know one?
no, grasshopper, no suckupage required. just let yourself be a student of life.
development required.
mistakes inevitable. we learn more from mistakes than successes.
thanks arfie!
Lots of reflections, Mark.
Just want to add that you are also lucky to be able to afford time away from more mired, harsh realities many contend with daily and that perhaps your luck is rare. You speak of your mental affliction often, harnessing what that is about and at times troubled by it, but I think the biggest grace of all to gain is the gratitude for the gift of your life, and how lucky you are. And perhaps instead of wondering why others are not so touched by kinder virtues, how can you live sensibly interpersonally in how you lead others outside of yourself?
Just some reflections on my end
That’s really beautiful Nikki! And yes I am grateful.