lazy bones

When I am at work, I work hard, and then I come home and for the most part and in the recent past I have tried to keep up

standards to do things in order around here, a routine, keep the place neat and clean, and yet lately, for whatever reason, I have started to slack off a bit. Nothing terrible but it's like I am starting to see that my personal standards at home are kind

of a personal reinforcement and keeps my head buried in the sand. It keeps the superficial things managed but I am not so social...

Lately, I don't know why - perhaps it's because my birthday is coming up (a time of year I tend to 'go south a bit'), and just had a holiday week, and my SSDI benefit is being reviewed that maybe I am just seeing the world in different hues.

Much of the time lately I don't feel a great impetus or inspiration to do much around the house or outside of it. I take the path of least resistance. My reaction is to keep comfortable - and the anxiety around doing stuff irritates my body ....so uncomfortable...so I try to mitigate that stuff and don't partake. 

I think I am seeing that getting revved up is the only way I will do things - it is probably what keeps me alive! Left to my own devices - when all alone - I can be kind of a lazy bones - not a huge personal motivation - but I think I need to invite into my life the questioning of why this is. It's gonna be uncomfortable - it's gonna be full of agita but I need to move forward.. I need to chart a course.

I don't know why I don't have a super sense of center. I think that might be the schizophrenic aspect of my condition.

I have very little vision and imagination but maybe that's being harsh. I am doing what I can do, the best I can do.

Amen!