latching troubles, child support wonderment, and other wonderful things

So today a lot has happened. Will go through my kids first and work my way to personal/financial areas. 

Hailey has been a trooper today. She has helped mommy so much and we had a day without tantrums from her which is a miracle. In homeschooling we learned about the letter H, pretended we were delivering Hay to Hippos while flying in a Hellicopter and wearing very cool Hairy Hats. we learned obviously about Hippos today and generally had a lot of fun. 

Jenna loved doing all of that too but kept having meltdowns ALL day long. basically because Riley decided today was a marathon nursing day and it kept me a bit busier than normal and unable to hold jenna as much. she also had a tantrum over the craziest things....her matching socks. 

Riley, as mentioned before was the marathon nurser today....and the marathon mislatcher. im not new to breastfeeding but it was taking us fifteen to forty minutes just get latched properly, every single time. she is one of those impatient babies who just wants it now now now. part of me is thinking i should start to pump because for me its exclusive pumping, half pumping half breast, or full breast, but im thinking i will give it a month or two and see if she doesnt improve then. 

Charlie, hes done the opposite so far of everything he says he will. I know that with COVID it is hard but i havent prevented him from facetiming or calling or anything like that with our girls. He just doesnt do it. I also know hes still working as he works at a grocery store and i see him there occasionally working. so im wondering do i go after child support. i dont have the money for a lawyer, especially with this new baby on the way and its hard. 

speaking of the new baby i also had two interviews virtually with obgyns. the one i used for my girls decided to retire. one is a deffinite no go as she told me straight out that i cannot be a vegan while pregnant or nursing, cannot tandem nurse while pregnant (Jenna is still nursing at 19 months which i dont plan on stopping at this time), and that in general she would call child services because im vegan while doing these things and cant provide nutritionally for my children. yeah, not too happy about that one. 

the other one is a good possibility although she is concerned at how fast i went into labor, how fast it progressed, and the fact that it also happened earlier in pregnancy each time. (42wks with Hailey, 38wks with Jenna, and 33weeks with Riley) i can see her concern so im officially high risk. i see her next week for an ultrasound and first checkup so thats gonna be good. i am nervous because i dont know how far along i am. i believe im anywhere from six to ten weeks along because i didnt pay attention to the, in my opinion antiquated, guidelines on when to start having sex again and i relied on breastfeeding to be my birth control. 

i installed a meditation app on my phone and ive decided im going to try to do that as well as some deep breathing and maybe just having some joyful music on when the tv isnt so that i can avoid panic attacks. im also going to try and be more mindful and know when im heading to that zone because if i dont then i will end up like i was the other day just sitting on the kitchen floor shaking and crying with my three girls stressed out and crying too because mommy is upset. 

leaving with a positive thought today. 

i am and we are enough. i/we can get through anything.