last night we had a chat.
so last night we had a chat….I tried to explain to him about my PTSD and how I live with fear every day.
I had said I'm really grumpy as Im scared about a lot of things and you trigger that in me by some of the things you do and say.
So he comes back at me with - everyone feels worried every day.
SO I said, I feel FEAR not worry.
He says, you can't do otherwise you wouldn't be able to be so witty!
Then he went on to say that he felt scared everyday too. ( Im not sure this is true tbh,) and so does everyone in the whole world. ( I thought he just doesn't get it does he.)
So I said when and what made you feel like that?
He said when he was young and he first left home. ( His parents dropped him off at Police cadets and went to live abroad with the RAF. He was 16 ) ( shitty thing to do eh)
I understand he probably has issues from this, but he has always denied it saying he had the time of his life, he loved it and doing so much sport was awesome. He was a boxer, golfer and swimmer, with football and rugby. Anything really. He represented the Police so he did this instead of working!
So I said but you told me this was the time of your life….?!
He said well I was scared.
Then this morning I woke up to him saying to me I wish I could make you less fearful. ( from the man who said I couldn't go to therapy as all I need was him.) I want to take your fear away. Then he started to have sex with me and then stopped before we finished saying he had to go to work ( we work from home, whats ten minutes really….)
SO whats with that? DO I try and explain further to him about fear PTSD and all that?! or just don't waste my breath. !!!!
I had said I'm really grumpy as Im scared about a lot of things and you trigger that in me by some of the things you do and say.
So he comes back at me with - everyone feels worried every day.
SO I said, I feel FEAR not worry.
He says, you can't do otherwise you wouldn't be able to be so witty!
Then he went on to say that he felt scared everyday too. ( Im not sure this is true tbh,) and so does everyone in the whole world. ( I thought he just doesn't get it does he.)
So I said when and what made you feel like that?
He said when he was young and he first left home. ( His parents dropped him off at Police cadets and went to live abroad with the RAF. He was 16 ) ( shitty thing to do eh)
I understand he probably has issues from this, but he has always denied it saying he had the time of his life, he loved it and doing so much sport was awesome. He was a boxer, golfer and swimmer, with football and rugby. Anything really. He represented the Police so he did this instead of working!
So I said but you told me this was the time of your life….?!
He said well I was scared.
Then this morning I woke up to him saying to me I wish I could make you less fearful. ( from the man who said I couldn't go to therapy as all I need was him.) I want to take your fear away. Then he started to have sex with me and then stopped before we finished saying he had to go to work ( we work from home, whats ten minutes really….)
SO whats with that? DO I try and explain further to him about fear PTSD and all that?! or just don't waste my breath. !!!!
Replies
I don\'t think there\'s anything you can say to make him get it. He\'s emotionally abusing you with the sex-control stuff. He shows a complete lack of empathy when you explain your feelings and turns it around to try to make you feel sorry for HIM. These are all traits of a narcissist or psychopath.
A normal man, with empathy, will listen and empathize with you when you are talking about your feelings. They will ask what they can do to make you feel better.
The sex thing is a huge red flag. That\'s all about manipulation and control. No normal person is going to do that. His excuses are ridiculous, having to work when he works from home. He\'s playing mind games with you. He\'ll give you a little crumb to make you believe he\'s going to try, then go right back to his BS. And this will continue to the end of time if you let it because he is simply incapable of change, due to his disorder.
AS - ya know what, I would like to agree with what you say,( and I do!) but when I feel like that about him I just think it must just be ME!!! I guess thats the whole point. He has me in such a spin. If I spend all my time trying to compare him to what I consider what a \'normal\' human reaction would be then I end up spending too much energy on him which is waaay too much! Classic Co-D behaviour and I know I am guilty of that. I just find Im so confused by everything he says. The other night we were in bed and were chatting and I said something which he had said and he laughed and said oh there you go with your making things up. You are such a fantasist and a liar. I love you. Then he went to sleep. How can he say he loves me and call me a fantasist and a liar in the same breath. It confuses me.
So I am just going to try and do more of my own thing. I know it will break us up as he will feel abandoned and neglected. He doesn\'t want a working wife he wants a wife who revolves her life around him and only him.
How are you AS?! You ok?xxx
I am reading a really great book right now called \"Emotional blackmail : when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you\" by Forward, Susan. I was emotionally manipulated for years by my ex fiance and had no idea. I knew something was wrong but I could never really understand what it was or how I was contributing to it. It is really difficult to be in the thrones of an emotionally abusive partner because they will keep you in limbo, blow hot and cold, and make you feel like YOU are the one going crazy. I am reading it not just to understand him completely, because I am really tired of trying to figure him out, but because I want to make sure I am never in that type of relationship again where I didn\'t even realize I was being abused. I just thought he was crazy. He would say something or do something every day that made me go HUH!!??!! Crazy, bizarre behavior. One time I was on the phone with a friend and he laid next to me in bed that night and laughed at me, called me a lesbian, and told me how he couldn\'t wait to tell his friends the next day at work. And all I did was talk to a friend on the phone. He\'s crazy! And your man, I\'m sorry to say, sounds a lot like my ex. Controlling, abusive and manipulative. I wish you well. If you ever want to talk, since I know exactly what you are going through, please feel free to message me!
Aw flteach, thank you so much. I really do feel I don\'t know right from wrong anymore.! I know I need to leave but Im not sure how. I know if I focus on my life and do what I want to do to live a interesting fulfilling life he will be very upset and hurt by this and see it as rejection. When this has happened i the past he has always sought refuge in someone else\'s arms! And if this happens he will see it as my own fault as I neglected him.
But I am going to do what I want to do and try and save up a little. Im not sure what else to do.
I also have issues I know that and I am trying to work on that too so hopefully I will find some clarity!
Thanks for making friends too!
I relocated away from all my friends to be with him so Im glad to have you!
xxx