last night, this morning, merging into the pm

I came home from my parents' house last night very humbled and grateful for the world I live in.

Feeling small, meek and flawed, I was filled with love

and affection for my network of friends, family and coworkers and life.

I woke up this morning with a different mindset - I felt like

a burden to my parents and kind of adrift in life - those early morning themes - powerless and scared of

the charge to be self sustaining - but I knew to question

that - I know my father is extremely caught up in having so much to do

including caretaking my stepmother who has multiple myeloma - a chronic

illness... I knew I had to take care of my life - as he is fervently taking care of his -

I just felt alone while at work, waiting for the time clock stamp for my start of the workday..

I  got to work eventually and my determination set things in motion - I worked well and effectively

with a sense of  happiness too (the joy of working with food and nourishing the public!)

and yet then (I think this is why) 'as I tired' my mind starting seeking out penalizing thoughts -and

my negative self impressions took hold. I felt as though I had been too burdesome, too overbearing

at a family dinner with my little sister and stepmother...where I sensed animus from my brother in law.

I think so often we seek out things that will smooth over the rough edges of life, the awkward feelings

of sticking out like a sore thumb, in our physical beings or emotionally or interpersonally, of not being improper.. of making our family proud.. of mistakes made which suddenly ask for a front center stage of consideration.

And yet the more I worked - and the more distracted I became - I thought again that

the unhappiness of family (and sensed it for my own part in it at times) that I feel, is probably not too uncommon... and we all have

to cope with being ourselves - living our lives (though our lives may seem challenged by the world out there),  and being a member of the family where the elements can seem

imperfect, challenged - and what I thought was 'in that knowing I am among others' in this, so I know there is a commonality. This affirms me.

I know I can go to a place of darkness and self pity as I did this morning - I think it's probably not too uncommon too- but work today gave me

the motivation to go about taking care of my life - taking care of my work -- just as each of us in my family have to and at work and all over

we're all doing the same. It's not really hard to see the answer for me at this point. To lift myself up

and go about taking care of the life I want and cherishing the world (my own little universe) that 
I have. I've really tried during this work day - to dampen my light - to be humble and not so

imposing on others with my sense of things at family dinners and gatherings. I wish there were

space to be myself...and yet I don't know if it's my expectation for how I'd like to be received

or if there's some other factor... But I do know there is room for preference and the space when I am alone,

to live my own life...

So I drove home from work and I started to think about my relationship with my feelings

and I knew 'that shift in thought' that I could make to consider my feelings was like an agency to deal with them and to get on with my day came forefront.

What I am realizing is my feelings do not make me powerless to have my own life - it may feel this way

but I have a life I need to take care of and if I remember the habit of stepping back and remembering myself

I can know how to take care of my world.

I went to the Starbucks that I always go to today - and I gave my two fav baristas their holiday gifts -

each $20 bill. It just is real important to me to take care of my world- when it may seem like I have very little

agency but I do indeed have a choice. My mind can go to extremes with questioning but I hope I don't lose

the horizon or frontier of my being which tells me "I have agency and can do something about it."