last night and this morning
I really feel like a nun's reaction to me tonight
though it really made me feel like she stole my heart - and yet it inspired in me
to 'choose happy' and think on the good people in my life - like my therapist - who i looked
forward to seeing tonight. I felt out of sync when we talked - but she reassured me.
After we talked I knew that while alone I had to decide to do certain things with my self and time- and
what I realized was that I may feel hollow but I also need to be self responsible- and perhaps
that act brought me back to a sense of home within.
I have to say that I am starting to get 'what this place is all about' - all the weird inter relations
and yet the demands now known - really aren't that much (not difficult) - though it can feel like a lot at times
- and - FRANKLY I do not like serving liturgy
at least in the new priest's way - especially - but
I am 'getting' what this place is all about - it's low stress - and it's hermetic - separate and yet together - and though
the temperature of devotion and obedience can be high - for some reason I feel like I am falling down
to earth about it - and I am seeing that I could create this somewhere else as well in the world.
It's very safe here. But I am seeing potential and understanding for what I would create somewhere else.
Would I be able to sustain the rationality somewhere else - like my therapist once said "you're smart enough to figure it out
but would my illness allow me to sustain it?" - I think I need to see that as my challenge and have ambition about it -
not sure.
anyways - I am headed to bed. I hope you guys have a good week.
It was like that nun stole my heart and made me feel cut off and solitary, so I thought about the good people in my life and chose happy (like my friend John likes to say - it's really a great inspirational phrase!)
I guess we all have to move on like that when moments like that happen.
I’m going down a rabbit hole.
Things will be ok.
I woke up this morning - I decided to sleep in and I told the deaconess and the priest and sister 'I.' (nun in charger)
that I was doing so. The priest this morning sent me a text asking me to come down. I didn't open it
but I could read it. I am still taking it slow and I am going to continue to do so.
I feel trapped like there is no sense of possibility. I am going to try and go to the pub today for a snack and drink.
I took inspiration from my therapist's comments about the work she said she had to do.
I need to do work as well to get my creative act together.
I was a super student and did my work, all of it. I am a good worker too. But given the charge
to do it on my own, i haven't followed through so well. Something to think
about and be inspired by!
we all gotta make that structure for ourselves like that.
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