lack of focus
Sometimes i feel like, figuratively speaking, that i walk into my mind and all I see is chaos and mass destruction. "Things to do" lists along with music files, memories of sexual abuse, and thoughts of tasty food spin around me with no cohesive direction at all. I often look at other people and wonder how many people actually have it as together as they seem? I mean, I do a fairly good job at making it look like i have it together and that is one of the biggest lies ever! Truth is, is that I just cannot think strait. So many things that I need to do, or want to do just go undone simply because I cannot maintain the concentration long enough to make it so.
Concerta helps. It actually does help a lot. But still, even with that I have to train myself to focus. The other unfortunate thing about Concerta is that without insurance it is $150 for one month. So I am and have been without it. This may change in the near future. I am going on a job interview this Monday. Its actually somewhat of a high profile job. A leadership role, lots of responsibility, organizational skills required.... I swear the scariest thing about the job is that i might GET the job!!! Its a position that i probably would not have applied for if i had read about it in the paper. The only reason that i did apply is because they called me and asked if I would. The first interview went very well. Monday is the second interview. Financially this job would be a God send. Good pay, benefits, including health insurance for my wife and I!! I just really really need to focus and not screw this thing up! Maybe it wont be so bad.. I mean when I have a lot of downtime I think about the abuse a lot. But when I am very busy, those memories get stuffed into the back of my brain. Not sure if that's good or not, but it is convenient.
I really do need to get back to seeing a therapist. With the SA, bankruptcy, new medical bills that are not in the bankruptcy, my wife's failing health, no insurance, mortgage at risk, and trying to look to my son's future... I should be on the ball and dealing with everything. I just can't seem to focus.
Concerta helps. It actually does help a lot. But still, even with that I have to train myself to focus. The other unfortunate thing about Concerta is that without insurance it is $150 for one month. So I am and have been without it. This may change in the near future. I am going on a job interview this Monday. Its actually somewhat of a high profile job. A leadership role, lots of responsibility, organizational skills required.... I swear the scariest thing about the job is that i might GET the job!!! Its a position that i probably would not have applied for if i had read about it in the paper. The only reason that i did apply is because they called me and asked if I would. The first interview went very well. Monday is the second interview. Financially this job would be a God send. Good pay, benefits, including health insurance for my wife and I!! I just really really need to focus and not screw this thing up! Maybe it wont be so bad.. I mean when I have a lot of downtime I think about the abuse a lot. But when I am very busy, those memories get stuffed into the back of my brain. Not sure if that's good or not, but it is convenient.
I really do need to get back to seeing a therapist. With the SA, bankruptcy, new medical bills that are not in the bankruptcy, my wife's failing health, no insurance, mortgage at risk, and trying to look to my son's future... I should be on the ball and dealing with everything. I just can't seem to focus.
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