Kingdom Come
Today again, I feel like I am expired, life is coming to an and. I don't know where I am going anymore and that scares me. I am still and I don't like it, I want to keep moving. I want to leave Denver and go somewhere, I want to explore, I want to leave. I have the money at the moment to do it, but I don't have the guts to. I can't just disappear. Maybe that is the dependency trate in my personality disorder axis. I am sorry if it is selfish, i don't meant it to be, I simply need to do it for myself. I think to a degree my psychiatrist even understands the thoughts that I have. Do I need to increase my mood stabilizer... or go to the hospital? If I go to the hospital all that money that I could use for something special would go away and my progress in this mental illness will have decreased significantly. I don't know what else to do. I am scared and now, more than ever, afraid to ask for help. I look at photos of myself now and i don't recognize myself, or the person I am looking at. Usually now the only time that I go out with friends is when we all get drunk and make fools of ourselves, whether its funny or sad. I don't know why I drink lie that, I think it is an escape for me. Pot was too but now that is gone because of working at the hospital, oh yeah, if I had another breakdown I wouldn't be able to work at the hospital anymore. I would loose out on all the opportunities I have build for myself. I don't want to do that. I DO want to be a great psychologist.
I guess that I am just sad I don't know if this is supposed to be a longterm thing or something that I am just going through, maybe because of the detox from pot and the introduction of Strattera into my system to help with the ADHD. There are many elements that I need to put into place before judging the situation. But, as far as I know now... I don't feel good, I feel dangerously bad. I feel like this is the only place that I can admit to that. My mom doesn't understand me any more and can't recognize how bad things are sometimes, I think that she is concerned with her own mental health issues at the time. I feel bad because I feel she wants me to be her psychologist, to listen, analyze and offer some kind of response. But, after covering my depression up at all times at school I can't take it anymore at home and I just want to be who I am. I'm so confused. I think studying psychology may put me into an interesting situation of analysis and self treatment.
I lost everything the last time I fell down, I don't want that to happen again. I don't think everything is lost. I can feel myself closing out from the rest of the world. Not being with friends, not answering the phone and isolating myself at school. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone, so vulnerable and unwanted. For one reason or another killing myself feels like the obvious and most logical choice at the moment. I've been disconnected. Why is this happening to me? Why have I been chosen to receive these horrible illnesses. A mental deficiency. I am mentally Ill and there is definitely a stigma there.
Is there any strength left in me?
I guess that I am just sad I don't know if this is supposed to be a longterm thing or something that I am just going through, maybe because of the detox from pot and the introduction of Strattera into my system to help with the ADHD. There are many elements that I need to put into place before judging the situation. But, as far as I know now... I don't feel good, I feel dangerously bad. I feel like this is the only place that I can admit to that. My mom doesn't understand me any more and can't recognize how bad things are sometimes, I think that she is concerned with her own mental health issues at the time. I feel bad because I feel she wants me to be her psychologist, to listen, analyze and offer some kind of response. But, after covering my depression up at all times at school I can't take it anymore at home and I just want to be who I am. I'm so confused. I think studying psychology may put me into an interesting situation of analysis and self treatment.
I lost everything the last time I fell down, I don't want that to happen again. I don't think everything is lost. I can feel myself closing out from the rest of the world. Not being with friends, not answering the phone and isolating myself at school. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone, so vulnerable and unwanted. For one reason or another killing myself feels like the obvious and most logical choice at the moment. I've been disconnected. Why is this happening to me? Why have I been chosen to receive these horrible illnesses. A mental deficiency. I am mentally Ill and there is definitely a stigma there.
Is there any strength left in me?
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