killing myself would relieve me

I hate life. Always have and feel as though I always will. I'm frustrated with my own self. I make terrible choices. I left a good man for an asshole. So stupid. Now we have a one month old baby. This man only wanted a child. Never me. He figures I worked really hard to make money so I was a good candidate. I'm so heart broken though cuz as shotty as I'm treated I still love the stupid fuck. He is obsessed with black girls and I'm white. Even trying to  meds with little high school bitche s at his job. He likes them young. I'm old and white. He is not attracted to me at all. I left a 13 year relationship and 2 kids for this shit. I miss my family. I feel like I'm not in a family now. He won't sleep in same room as me. He doesn't sociallize with me or give me affection. I should have known better. The grass isn't always greener. And sometimes you step in shit. A lot of it at that. I'm overly depressed. I just want to be loved and it's not happening hear. We been together for a year now and it's already horribly wrong. And I have no one to blame but myself for making one stupid desicion after another.