Kiddie pool disguised as an olympic swimming pool

I had a few days stability before being dragged down! I think a lesson I need to learn is to accept my unhappiness without living in it. As it is, I tend to drive myself into a worse state by having anxiety and making the depression worse. Something like that... 

Summer is coming up for me. Summer break, specifically... last year's break was an absolute crapfest, so I'm defaulting to not having high hopes for this year. My last day of school is tomorrow. I don't feel any accomplishment, despite the fact that I did actually accomplish quite a bit this semester... I managed to get straight As for the first time in high school, 4 classes being AP (advanced placement for y'all non students). I had a popsicle bridge project in physics which I did really well on. Would you believe my one pound bridge was able to hold 140 pounds without cracking or bending? I really worked hard on that one. And a really convoluted english project I also got a full score on. Basically I just pulled those grades up by the scruffs of their necks, and now I should be basking in the glory of my "full house" of A grades. Now was maybe a bad time for those achievements to happen, since I don't feel capable of basking at the moment. I once saw someone say that the best way to improve self-esteem is to congratulate yourself for every little achievement. So... congratulations, me! I spent a DAMN long time on those projects, I'm very used to having to do most of the groupwork with group projects, which is what I did. I'm no engineer, so I'm proud that my scrap and glue bridge was really very strong. I'm no cook, but I tried making falafels the other day and they turned out D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S. I'm no therapist, but I still, still try to help a troubled friend. But maybe that's not a good thing. 

I guess times are taking a little dip right now, and I just have to wait for things to go back to normal. There are many things that are troubling me that I'd rather not talk or think about now, so maybe in another journal when I feel more ready to deal with them. 

Appreciate the good things... 

I bought a little grey hoodie for my dog a few days ago. It's funny trying to get it on because I have to tug it over his head and he really doesn't like that. I've been letting him in lately for an hour or two each day, enjoying his 12 pound company. Dogs are so warm. Who needs heat packs when you have a dog against your stomach? Wish he'd always been an inside dog, but he's only an inside dog for an hour each day. Otherwise he's stuck out there in the yard. 

I, ah, joined a group chat with two friends, a "support group" of sorts, to look out for our mutual friend who's been going through some very bad depression. It's a work in progress, but I appreciate that we're trying to work together on this, at least. The one thing that cheers me up a bit about the whole thing is that I like that we're doing this for a friend, I dearly wish my friends had done it for me back then. Shows that we care, you know. 

There are many things I wish for, and many things I already have... I have self-autonomy, can say no, can make my own decisions, my body keeps my organs inside me, have a future ahead of me. I have tons of sketchbooks to take my pen on. I have the money to afford art supplies (which are beyond expensive... how are starving artists expected to afford this stuff?). I have kind people here that listen to me ramble and see the good in me. I have internet and a vast tank of knowledge hanging around in my pocket. I have milk in my fridge. A cute dog. Petting dogs reduces anxiety. 

Another thing. My friend draws, like me, and also posts to instagram. Her account recently exploded after she posted some fanart of a popular genre. Now she answers lots of questions and takes lots of requests constantly. I gotta say, I'm a little jealous. Social media algortihms favor quantity, and she posts almost every day. Her posts though aren't of high quality, usually pencil sketches, not well thought out, character drawings. I post, like, once every one or two weeks, but I try very hard to detail the crap out of things, I put my heart into my drawings. I moved away from character art because it tends to become fanservicey and I consider it the easy way out. My friend has told me that art is like homework for her now, she takes requests constantly, drawing what others want from her but not necessarily what she herself wants to draw. All this and the jealousy has made me think about what people really want out of art. Something cool to look at every day? Despite my problems with my self-image as a creator, I do want my work to be noticed, appreciated, seen. All this has been something of a downer lately, in creating. A motivation sapper. Laying it out here will hopefully help. 

Last day of school tomorrow. I'm planning to spend the whole day just working on my latest drawing. It's, ah, really self-conscious to draw with other people in the room for me. It's either hoping no one will see or hoping someone will see. So it gets hard to concentrate. I've been trying to draw with other people around more, since it's a hassle to have to be alone to do it.