Kenny's Final Day
I don't know why, but all my mind wants to do is go to the day and night that Ken laid in that hospital bed in ICU the last day of his life. No movement, his eyes never opened, just a bit it seemed like, but I don't really think so. Then his heart starting getting irregular, the machine started beeping over and over, as the vent kept his lungs breathing, they kept pumping blood and fluid into his body for the whole day.
With no urine out flow, he put on 75 pounds of fluid that day. I had his hand in mine. As the day turned into night, and the fluid just making his stomach so hard, I just couldn't believe I was losing my son. They came in when the machine's started beeping loudly, his heart rate jumping all over the place at one time it was 173 then it would be 30, he laid there very peaceful as nothing was really happening. They kept him on pain meds and gave him ativan to keep the body from fighting the vent, the nurse and doctors had told me all day that he was dying, but I heard it said, I just didn't believe it. I had my right hand on his heart and was holding his left hand in my other. As the nurses came in and shut the machine off, Kenny took his last heart beat. A mother's worse nightmare, watching their child die. A mother's worse nightmare, finding out their child has died. I just could not believe he was gone, it was !0:49 p.m. We had stayed all day on a vigil and prayed till there were no prayers left. I can't seem to get away from that night, when Kenny my son died. I'm sad, unhappy, don't know how to feel, the tears just flow and flow. It's been 4 1/2 months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday. It's so hard to believe our children are gone, some one or two or maybe three. I ask myself why did this have to be that a mother's heart is beyond repair. I don't know how to stop missing you Ken, I can't think of not seeing your face, I can't not think of not visiting you, I can't not think of no more talks. I miss you dear son, more than life itself. Mom don't know how to stop this pain. I wish there had been a cure for that cancer you had. Oh how I wish you could have beat it and it had not beat you down. I know your pain was so very bad and mom would have taken your place. The day you begged me to take you home, I wish I could have helped you understand. You were so sick, but if I could I would have ripped the needles from you veins and taken you home and made you well, but it just wasn't in the plans. I love you dear son, maybe more than you know or maybe Jesus told you so. I know I will be happy to see you again, when God calls your mom home. I don't know how that this can be, that I lost my first born son. I know you fought the cancer hard, but it was just more than your body could stand. I'm sorry I didn't have the answer's, when you asked me why. I am so sorry son, mom just didn't know why. It God would have let me, I would have taken your pain, but I guess we are just human's and we don't have the ability to make things all well. I love you son, I miss you so, mom's heart is broken and really don't know how I will fix it ever again. I love you Kenny my dear dear son.
With no urine out flow, he put on 75 pounds of fluid that day. I had his hand in mine. As the day turned into night, and the fluid just making his stomach so hard, I just couldn't believe I was losing my son. They came in when the machine's started beeping loudly, his heart rate jumping all over the place at one time it was 173 then it would be 30, he laid there very peaceful as nothing was really happening. They kept him on pain meds and gave him ativan to keep the body from fighting the vent, the nurse and doctors had told me all day that he was dying, but I heard it said, I just didn't believe it. I had my right hand on his heart and was holding his left hand in my other. As the nurses came in and shut the machine off, Kenny took his last heart beat. A mother's worse nightmare, watching their child die. A mother's worse nightmare, finding out their child has died. I just could not believe he was gone, it was !0:49 p.m. We had stayed all day on a vigil and prayed till there were no prayers left. I can't seem to get away from that night, when Kenny my son died. I'm sad, unhappy, don't know how to feel, the tears just flow and flow. It's been 4 1/2 months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday. It's so hard to believe our children are gone, some one or two or maybe three. I ask myself why did this have to be that a mother's heart is beyond repair. I don't know how to stop missing you Ken, I can't think of not seeing your face, I can't not think of not visiting you, I can't not think of no more talks. I miss you dear son, more than life itself. Mom don't know how to stop this pain. I wish there had been a cure for that cancer you had. Oh how I wish you could have beat it and it had not beat you down. I know your pain was so very bad and mom would have taken your place. The day you begged me to take you home, I wish I could have helped you understand. You were so sick, but if I could I would have ripped the needles from you veins and taken you home and made you well, but it just wasn't in the plans. I love you dear son, maybe more than you know or maybe Jesus told you so. I know I will be happy to see you again, when God calls your mom home. I don't know how that this can be, that I lost my first born son. I know you fought the cancer hard, but it was just more than your body could stand. I'm sorry I didn't have the answer's, when you asked me why. I am so sorry son, mom just didn't know why. It God would have let me, I would have taken your pain, but I guess we are just human's and we don't have the ability to make things all well. I love you son, I miss you so, mom's heart is broken and really don't know how I will fix it ever again. I love you Kenny my dear dear son.
Replies
Just gentle hugs my friend. Cathy
Oh God that took me back to when Chris died. He was my first born and only son. I feel your pain. I know how you are feeling. Chris died 3 yrs ago this coming Nov. I promise the pain it does ease up but you\'ll always feel that void.one day things seem OK then it hits you like a ton of brick. I wish so bad i was with my son when he died he was in a coma i saw him that evening, 1:00 in the morning we got the call.My heart goes out to you. i\'m sending you love and hugs.....Annie
I think it is so normal to relive the moments and they are heartbreaking. I finally had to let go and trust me it wasn\'t easy. It took over two to get to a place where I was not deluged with \"what ifs\". Hugs, Inga
I believe this is a part of the process that we all have to sort through often. For me, it almost feels as if there is such a huge disconnect that this ever could have happened that I have to go there too from time to time to make it \"real.\" It is painful, full of \"what ifs\" and in time I am trusting that what the others have experienced I will too. Baby steps towards replacing those pain filled memories with those of my vibrant and loving son. It will come in time and has slowly already begun... each of us has our own time table and all I know to do is to continue to surrender it to my Higher Power because I cannot hold onto it by myself any longer... Peace to you dear Sandi and thank you for sharing such a heartfelt entry of a most intimate family moment with your beloved Kenny. Hugs, Joanie
It breaks my heart to feel your pain. I was not with my sweet Nathan when he died. I wish I could have been holding his hand when he passed. Oh, the love he must have felt with you by his side. Love to you, Danette
the tears starting to flow, as i read your post,.. Im so sorry, for your loss,... no one can understand, what a mother goes thr, like another mother,.. I wish you peace,, from this horrible place, called grief. your friend, Dave
Sandy, I went through the same thing with my wife Tracy and to this day I remember her last moments on earth as if it was yesterday but i keep telling myself she is not hurting anymore, no more pills, no more nurses waking her up every 4 hours, no dialysis, no more ANYTHING...BUT I know she is in a lot better place and I have to keep telling myself that every single day so I don\'t slip down into depression. My heart goes out to you and your family and will pray that each day brings a little bit of peace into your heart. bob
Sandy, my heart goes out to you. No matter how our children died, we are bonded in our grief. Hugs, B