Kenny's Final Day
I don't know why, but all my mind wants to do is go to the day and night that Ken laid in that hospital bed in ICU the last day of his life. No movement, his eyes never opened, just a bit it seemed like, but I don't really think so. Then his heart starting getting irregular, the machine started beeping over and over, as the vent kept his lungs breathing, they kept pumping blood and fluid into his body for the whole day.
With no urine out flow, he put on 75 pounds of fluid that day. I had his hand in mine. As the day turned into night, and the fluid just making his stomach so hard, I just couldn't believe I was losing my son. They came in when the machine's started beeping loudly, his heart rate jumping all over the place at one time it was 173 then it would be 30, he laid there very peaceful as nothing was really happening. They kept him on pain meds and gave him ativan to keep the body from fighting the vent, the nurse and doctors had told me all day that he was dying, but I heard it said, I just didn't believe it. I had my right hand on his heart and was holding his left hand in my other. As the nurses came in and shut the machine off, Kenny took his last heart beat. A mother's worse nightmare, watching their child die. A mother's worse nightmare, finding out their child has died. I just could not believe he was gone, it was !0:49 p.m. We had stayed all day on a vigil and prayed till there were no prayers left. I can't seem to get away from that night, when Kenny my son died. I'm sad, unhappy, don't know how to feel, the tears just flow and flow. It's been 4 1/2 months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday. It's so hard to believe our children are gone, some one or two or maybe three. I ask myself why did this have to be that a mother's heart is beyond repair. I don't know how to stop missing you Ken, I can't think of not seeing your face, I can't not think of not visiting you, I can't not think of no more talks. I miss you dear son, more than life itself. Mom don't know how to stop this pain. I wish there had been a cure for that cancer you had. Oh how I wish you could have beat it and it had not beat you down. I know your pain was so very bad and mom would have taken your place. The day you begged me to take you home, I wish I could have helped you understand. You were so sick, but if I could I would have ripped the needles from you veins and taken you home and made you well, but it just wasn't in the plans. I love you dear son, maybe more than you know or maybe Jesus told you so. I know I will be happy to see you again, when God calls your mom home. I don't know how that this can be, that I lost my first born son. I know you fought the cancer hard, but it was just more than your body could stand. I'm sorry I didn't have the answer's, when you asked me why. I am so sorry son, mom just didn't know why. It God would have let me, I would have taken your pain, but I guess we are just human's and we don't have the ability to make things all well. I love you son, I miss you so, mom's heart is broken and really don't know how I will fix it ever again. I love you Kenny my dear dear son.
With no urine out flow, he put on 75 pounds of fluid that day. I had his hand in mine. As the day turned into night, and the fluid just making his stomach so hard, I just couldn't believe I was losing my son. They came in when the machine's started beeping loudly, his heart rate jumping all over the place at one time it was 173 then it would be 30, he laid there very peaceful as nothing was really happening. They kept him on pain meds and gave him ativan to keep the body from fighting the vent, the nurse and doctors had told me all day that he was dying, but I heard it said, I just didn't believe it. I had my right hand on his heart and was holding his left hand in my other. As the nurses came in and shut the machine off, Kenny took his last heart beat. A mother's worse nightmare, watching their child die. A mother's worse nightmare, finding out their child has died. I just could not believe he was gone, it was !0:49 p.m. We had stayed all day on a vigil and prayed till there were no prayers left. I can't seem to get away from that night, when Kenny my son died. I'm sad, unhappy, don't know how to feel, the tears just flow and flow. It's been 4 1/2 months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday. It's so hard to believe our children are gone, some one or two or maybe three. I ask myself why did this have to be that a mother's heart is beyond repair. I don't know how to stop missing you Ken, I can't think of not seeing your face, I can't not think of not visiting you, I can't not think of no more talks. I miss you dear son, more than life itself. Mom don't know how to stop this pain. I wish there had been a cure for that cancer you had. Oh how I wish you could have beat it and it had not beat you down. I know your pain was so very bad and mom would have taken your place. The day you begged me to take you home, I wish I could have helped you understand. You were so sick, but if I could I would have ripped the needles from you veins and taken you home and made you well, but it just wasn't in the plans. I love you dear son, maybe more than you know or maybe Jesus told you so. I know I will be happy to see you again, when God calls your mom home. I don't know how that this can be, that I lost my first born son. I know you fought the cancer hard, but it was just more than your body could stand. I'm sorry I didn't have the answer's, when you asked me why. I am so sorry son, mom just didn't know why. It God would have let me, I would have taken your pain, but I guess we are just human's and we don't have the ability to make things all well. I love you son, I miss you so, mom's heart is broken and really don't know how I will fix it ever again. I love you Kenny my dear dear son.
Replies
Remembering those last few minutes before they told me Terry was gone, was so hard, for months afterwards whenever I thought of Terry all I could see was his face and how we wouldn\'t be able to have an open coffin. It took me awhile before I could remember him without remembering that night. Now I can think of him and see that quirky grin of his, how he would come and put his arm around me and look down at me and ask me how I was doing. I know the feeling you are having, I believe they are emotions and memories that all of us have. It has been 3 years for me, I still hurt and miss Terry but that deep hurt isn\'t there like it was 3 years ago. I pray that God will heal your broken heart as only He knows how. It took me a long time to allow God to do it, I would let God in a little bit at a time, I still find that I don\'t open my heart completely to Him as I once did. I love you and understand how you feel.
Love
Debbie
Sandi my heart is with you....these moments will come but they do subside and you can have more peace ...I know God will grant you peace, sweet, beautiful peace. God is with you....He never leaves us most especially when we are being called home like Ken and Brandon....they know true peace now in Heaven....what an awesome place they are in now. As King David said when he lost his child...\" He can\'t come to me but I can go to him.\" And we will be there before you know it. Love and squeeze hugs.....dale, brandon\'s mom
Last night I woke around the time in the early morning when Cory passed. I was at his side with my arm resting on his shoulder and arm. All that you are feeling I was feeling the other night. I never did get back to sleep. Today, while taking a few moments on the lawn swing, I looked over at his place. You know but you just can\'t believe he is gone and will never be here...walk across the street, bike around the circle or haul up the fishing gear from the river. Cory had been in a coma the last few days so he also had no movement or reactions. His breathing changed about 1:00 am. At 4:00 the hospice nurse and aid came in to shift him and didn\'t act alarmed. It wasn\'t ten minutes later when I called them to the room. They knew instantly. He was still expelling air. I won\'t ever forget it. I don\'t ever want to forget it. I was just so glad to have been there with him in the end. I could never have forgiven myself if he had died alone. It has been six months plus without Cory and I feel my heart is broken, too. What I wouldn\'t have done for him or what I did do for him....but just couldn\'t save him. I can go along doing well and all of a sudden I get the flashbacks and I am sure will continue to get them just like you My heart aches for you, Sandi, and for your Kenny.
I am so sorry for your pain. As others have said it will subside the thinking of the last days. I think of my son laying there looking like he was just sleeping and kissing him without feeling his warmth. I promise sweet memories will come and replace the thoughts you have now, it will get better. It is so soon for you. I prayed for God to lift my burden so often and he did answer, and why you have to go through this I will never know. My love and prayers to you. Write if you need to talk or we can exchange phone numbers. Lynette Bills Mom
all i ever think about also is the day i got the phone call to hurry and get there, and i was to late. when we were aloud in room she was just laying there so small looking, and a sactch on her face, i held her warm little hand and kissed her on her cheek i had priest give her last rights, SADDESS DAY OF MY LIFE 1/18/2003, AND I STILL HAVE THE PAIN ANDEMPTYNESS IN MY SOUL AND HEART. WE NEVER FORGET, IT JUST BECOMES MORE BEARABLE. HUGS ZZZTOP
I can so relate to your journal. Today is Sunday .... my Justin passed on a Sunday and lots of days like today I go over that awful day over and over in my mind. I guess I think that if I reconsctruct that whole day I will remember something that could be a clue in getting him back.
No such luck, though. But I guess in reality he is in a much better place than I and he is in no pain where he is.
It has been almost 3 years, and still seems like yesterday. I still feel like he could walk in that door any time now.
Thinking of you and take care, Kelly
Your love for your son could not be more touching. I know how devastating the pain and memories can be. Nearly 17 months have gone by since I lost my precious son, and there is not a day that the loss is not felt in my heart and my soul. Somehow, with time, we learn to manage the sorrow. Somehow, the worst memories, the ones we turn over and over in our minds, ease up just a bit. We learn to manage our grief, and accept our loss.
Love and light, Rebecca
I go over and over word for word that late night call from David\'s dad. I go over throwing the phone as I fell to my knees beside the bed. It is as though it was yesterday, I try to push it away the pain is too raw and hurts too much........I just keep praying for peace.......
We can hold those last precious, painful memories of our childrens\' lives at bay, but they never completely go away. I\'m so glad you have this loving group to share those memories with when they become too much to bear--thinking of you and sending a hug.
I too seem to think about the night I did the same thing you did quite often. In fact I think about it more than I think is healthy. I can live through anything now, I\'m sure of it. Nothing could hurt me more than that. Love & hugs, Colleen
Holding you close and know that you are heard here and understood
Because I wasn\'t with my daughter when she took her last breath or even knew she was in a crisis at that time, maybe that it why and I still can\'t believe that she is gone. It seems like she is just away. As ZZZTOP said \"We never forget, it just becomes more bearable\". May your good memories overcome the sad memories. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
Words cannot express what I am feeling as I have read your jounal. I too have times thinking back to that Sunday December 24, 2006. Josh died instantly. I did not have to watch him die. My vision is of him laying on that cold steel table with his hair wet where they wiped the blood out of it. One little cut to his head and he is gone forever.
I experience Jay\'s few days of life every week. It is automatic and I can\'t control, nor do I seem to want to . I seem to think I owe it to him to experience this pain. I don\'t know if that is rational or not. But I am so sorry you and all of us has to go through this terrible pain. Not words, just tears express how I feel.
Hugs to you. Pam
Corrie was killed 3000 miles away from us, crushed by a car being driven by a drunk driver. The death certificate stated that she died within minutes. We never saw her until a day and a half later when we arrived in Maine and she had been cleaned up and placed on the viewing table at the funeral home.
My mind also returns compulsively to the unthinkable midnight phone call we received and my imagined scene of the tragic accident based on what we were told. And then I remember stroking her sweet little body up and down, up and down, hugging her and telling her how much we love and miss her. I suspect we all need to help our minds comprehend the incomprehensible by replaying it hundreds or thousands or even tens of thousands of times until it has less power over us.
I hope that you find some comfort in knowing that you did everything you possibly could have for sweet Kenny and that you were there literally for his final heartbeat.
Sending much love and the tightest hugs to you ~ Debbie