keeping on top of my need
I've been having some good insight today, just about how I fit into the world and society. Sounds kooky maybe.... but I noticed how when I lived in Canada, in Canadian culture, it's like I found myself in life in a different way. It's like I suddenly felt secure and emboldened in different ways. I was thinking today how 'I am in America' vs Canada, so afraid to do certain things.... but ultimately the thoughts and observations helped me persist at taking care of life here in a kind of revolt against those energies and norms that say ' no you can't do that.' I'm not sure if I am explaining it so well. In Canada there seemed a great emphasis on good and bad, in the US it seemed there is a greater emphasis on strong and weak. Different kinds of considerations... but ultimately they both exist in different combinations and mixture in each country.
I found myself wanting to push forward in my daily life here today. Not knowing what direction to point in after my morning routine until I finally just relaxed with the power of commonality brought by the ' how we all are in the world but ultimately how we all are individually too.' Make sense? I just felt the permission and not so attacked for being me flaws and all. Even if I fell out of the realm of graceful...
errrg.
I took care of the essential responsibilities and felt good at that. Took care of Blue too. It just felt like I understood who I was by knowing what I stood for but also had a sense of what I was actually feeling at the same time.
I did some grocery shopping and then came home, drank a beer and wrote my expenses down in the ledger.
As I watched some tv my mind started churning away at me and I was under water, psychologically speaking. I remembered my last journal about 'how ideally I would like to be in the world' and it kind of just came to me that my mental engine of "need" needs to be kept in check and satisfied through just engaging in something expressive or productive. I remembered how we all kind of have to deal with that kind of responsibility and journey. In doing that, in engaging instead of standing still and ruminating, now here on the journal I am able to feel released and also aware of how extreme I could be. Like I get sometimes truthfully. So I am trying to just keep listening as I write to how kooky or intense my expressions are getting.
Poor Blue has a wacky owner. I try and stay solid with him. Adjusting always to his sensitive and capricious kitty nature no fault of his own but maybe what he can handle. He's a good boy. He just needs me to be solid for him. Being solid for me is something I need for as well. Thanks you guys!!! Thanks friends, doctors and family!
Replies
Hola Mark,
Sometimes I feel like not all flaws are really flaws, or they are meant to be or make something better or .... I don’t think I’m explaining this rite at all. But like if I’m drawing or painting something & I make a mistake, (like accidentally brush against the paper where I didn’t mean to) then I will go & create something from it. Like if I accidentally swiped next to a flower I’ll use that to make a butterfly or fairy sitting on that flower or next to it. & there’s a lot of times at the end I couldn’t picture the finished product without that butterfly or fairy. So it’s kinda like the flaw was meant to be or made the artwork more beautiful.
I hope I’m making sense :) ..... sometimes I ramble a little.
Anyways I’m glad you have Blue & he has you. I feel same with Baby it’s like not living all the way alone.
Me & Baby are kinda wacky too, lol he was trying to chase me around this morning & grab my ankles & I was laughing, if someone saw us they probably wouldn’t know who’s wackier me or the kitty
Thank you too amigo for being part of my support circle
Big hug <3
gosh thanks lil missy. you are a such a special person. i really appreciate your kind words. especially on a
day when I am having difficulty seeing self kindness. peace y muchas gracias.
De nada piñata :)
Gracias, you are a very special person too
Be gentle with you (I’ll try to remember to do the same too)
((((hugs))))
thanks !! (hug)
i agree that much of what we call, "flaws" are not flaws at all. personally, i believe "flawed" is a judgement more than a fact. a trait is just a trait. it's how we use that trait that is worthy of judging. a knife is a wonderful tool when i use it to open a watermelon. it's not so wonderful when i use that same knife to open your head.
a gift i have received from the liberating humility of accepting my place in the universe is that it makes it easier to quit taking my over-thinking so seriously. with humble acceptance, i can think of the ever-churning thought loops in my head as living next to a freeway. ignore the constant hum. don't play in traffic.
Thanks Arfie. I really appreciate it!! I’m at church now waiting for mass to start. No matter where I go, I tend to get there early!
i can't get it out of my head that you are talking about canada like a foreign culture. i find myself shocked at the thought. from here, canadians look like run-of-the-mill yankees. never mind that i haven't spent any more (or less) time in canada than i have in wyoming or maine.
i'm only a few hours from the mexican border. crossing that border remains a culture shock for me, even with my fluent spanish.
Canadians take affront to the attitude that they are the same. So many, when I lived there exclaimed when I was unaware of a social norm there that ‘we are not the same country!!’ Canadians are very proud of their unique and nuanced culture.