Keep Reaching Out

Today I went to an AA meeting.  I haven't been drinking but the pull came back.  I've incorporated many healthy habits since finally admitting that -- no -- despite my calm exterior, I do NOT have a handle on everything in life.

I am glad I went. 

One thing that I am finally warming up to is the need for continuous outreach.  I have lived in isolation for quite some time.  Even though I've lived with a family for ten years, I cannot say that I've been available.  I used to isolate with alcohol and meaningless distractions.  As I gave up alcohol (or struggled to), work became my new drug.  The post-war tendencies definitely fueled a lot of this behavior.

I am starting to get that it's not enough to do well for a bit, then scurry back into my hole.  I have to keep getting out around other people on a more frequent basis.  I've gotta keep trying to stay in touch with friends.  And I've got to talk to the people in my life.

That's been tough.  I am not an open book.  My parents and I are not jiving because of our past history.

Today a lady shared a story that sounded identical to me.  Putting up the front, making people feel good and confident that I have everything together... but behind closed doors, feeling completely shattered.  Literally having to piece myself together again before the next showing.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm going to go to meetings more consistently.  I can't live this fragmented, isolated existence.

Thank you friend on Daily Strength for tapping me on the virtual shoulder.

Wish me luck.