keep on moving forward

I came home from work. I was satisfied with the work I did.

I then went about the business of taking care of things and Blue

like I usually do after a day's work. I had lunch, I had coffee,

I had dessert... I then showered and dressed... At a certain point,

I commented on a person's post and it so triggered and reminded me of my own agency to make choices

about my life and the direction of how I deal with my emotional

issues or conundrums.

I wanted to do something with my day - when I got home - after all chores and cleaning up was done - but then 

thought in my way (like looking at a black monolith)

that the only thing or way I could do something with my day was if I had money.

I don't want to blow my bank on just shopping for clothes or food or drink- which incidentally

those things felt like they were my only options.

So I decided to lend some support to someone on the site. I felt I might have been

heavy handed. Then I went out and got a gelato and a cookie - and then I came home.

I did my dishes, and laundry and made the bed. I still have to clean the litter box.

But what happened during this time is that I thought about the magnitude of helping

others - like a therapist does - and how putting yourself out there to help folks is indeed

a big vulnerable thing - and then seeing if they are helped or not helped is also

a really powerful thing - potentially joyful and wonderful if it helps - potentially sad and heartbreaking if it doesn't work.

I then didn't quite know what else to do with my time - the big picture seemed much bigger

than my mind could wrap it's imagination around - and then I found the sense of woe

and weariness build up - I thought of contacting my therapist just to leave a message on her voicemail

which she says is a good thing to do - but moreso I then caught myself and I thought of the advice

I doled out earlier... I realized I was getting lost in the emotional spinning and not moving forward.

I decided I didn't want to get lost in 'it' once again - though I realize my therapist and this site are here

for that very reason - - and- though I love both - I decided I didn't want to be a overwhelmed with an unknown

force pushing me in the direction of having no choice in the matter... I decided not to call my therapist

but to come on here and write about my sense of choice that I know I have to deal with the quiet times

and empty space of my world, life, home. I can't complain.... I have it very good. I just struggle is all sometimes.

I know we all do. I just wanted to share about it this time in a way before my mind got overwhelmed by

a blinding tsunami of feeling rather than articulate/express the emotional strife - that I'm beginning to surf

by consciously deciding to. Sending peace and good vibes as we all walk in our weekend coming up 

together! :)