I wrote a bunch yesterday about my usual introspective stuff and things are actually
very good. I feel a sense of awareness of the kinds of relationships I'd like to have -
and sense I also want a sense of greater responsibility in my life. I thought about how
I feel ready to connect with the society and community out there in terms of wanting to
serve the community I actually live in. Again I feel ready for that. I started my weekend by writing my
friend Geronta (the Abbess's boss :).
:
Sending prayers and good thoughts. It’s the start of my weekend and the weight of life, outside of work, is descending on my head. All those pressures and demands which were focused by the structure at work
are now being needed to be focused by me. I’m keeping to my usual routine which gives me strength and solace. I don’t know why the power within me tries to bring me down but today that phenomenon at the outset told me I needed and wanted to do more with my day, have something to be responsible for as well as serve my community. My neighbor is older and lives alone. I will go knock on her door to say hi. She’s grouchy but she loves my cat so I’ll talk about him with her! :) I also will go onto my online support group, that always lifts my spirits. Have a lovely night
And then I also wrote:
I just talked to her, she can’t drive anymore so I offered to chauffeur her whenever she needs. The example of my parents and my Aunt Florence and the St. Nina's family help me go out there! So we chatted at her door, then she came over to my place.. she wanted to see Blue.
----
After my neighbor left, I sat down on the couch.
I was watching a documentary and I was really jazzed at the big super focus the protagonist had.
His sense of interest was really cool - but also a little depressing because I started to think
like I have nothing of the sort in my life....
and yet then I thought about how my focus used to be art -
and then too I also thought about how I'll be going to the monastery which is a definite focus...
I questioned why do I have such a sense of missing out? (FOMO??) - and yet - just earlier today and yesterday I was having a sense of owning and accepting my life?
I am realizing the sense of relationships that I want....? The place I like to live emotionally when I am not at work - when I am at home....the classical music playing... being with Blue... Quiet stuff... I started to think other additional relationships I may be out of my depth for??
It's like I am realizing my own cartoon but I know from my work with my therapist I must remember the nature of what it is I am seeking.
What my therapist has given me is a sense of being able to step back and see a cognition for what
I am aiming for - a self consciousness. I think so often get derailed from my perspective and yet I know now to reset my sailes so to speak. Does that make sense? I have to find myself again -
If I want to create something - it's important for me to acknowledge - that I want it to be received well?? ....and not just talk myself out of it - making my innate fear the thing that speaks to me above all over everything else.
Things are good. I hope you guys have a good day and weekend ahead!!
Replies
Happy Friday, Markus! Realizations are good and make us adjust accordingly….which sometimes require risks. Now that there is understanding it makes for wise risk-taking….. that’s how I approach desired changes these days.
Hugs!
Big squishy hug sweetie... It's so nice that you offered to help out your neighbour..... That's really lovely
None of us really know with what goes on within the life, mind of another and no one gets out of this world without a lot of caca going on at some point's
Don't be hard on yourself sweetie.... You don't deserve that ... You work very hard on being the best 'you' that you can.... xo
Thanks Nikki and Jan!